Greetings.
Welcome to another installment of…
“Stupid Things Done By Tony”
In today’s episode, we find our perpetual idiot helping a grieving family as they prepare for the funeral.
“What could possibly go wrong there?” I hear you say.
Well, let me tell you all the ways I can be stupid. Ok, in my defense, it was only one way in which I was stupid, but I digress. Let me tell you all about it.
Last Friday I received a phone call from a person who attends a church in the next town over. The 52 year old son of one of the members passed away due to a heart attack. They are trying to plan for the funeral, however their pastor is out of town and can’t get back in time. Therefore, they decided to call me and ask if I would be willing to perform the funeral for them.
Of course, I said yes. Not because I just love doing funerals. I don’t. I’m happy to do them because it’s necessary and needs to be done. But it’s not what I categorize as “fun.” However, I’ve done my fair share in the last few years and have become more or less comfortable doing them.
As a side note, it’s amazing the things you can get used to. But continuing on…
I don’t know this person or family. I tell them to contact me back once they know when the funeral will be, and I will sit down with them and work out the details and talk and pray with them.
Now, let me clarify something. Some of you may be wondering, “Why wait for them to get the funeral scheduled before rushing right over to be with the family?”
You ask a good question. Here is my answer. I have found that the first couple days after a death are a whirlwind of phone calls and trips to the funeral home and scheduling and taking care of business paralleled only by wedding preparations. Therefore, unless I was called in before the death happened, i.e., coming to the hospital to sit with the family as they watch their loved one die, I try to stay out of the way till they actually have the time to focus on themselves. Until then, I’m only getting in the way.
And this is what I did. I waited till Sunday and then we set a time to get together. Not to ring my own bell, (trust me, I’ll be humiliating myself in a moment…), but this turned out to be perfect timing. They told me how this was the first time since the man died that they’d had a moment to sit down. They were finally done setting up the arrangements, and were just now catching their breath.
Ah, how my ego soared as I realized, once again, my superior wisdom and judgment paid off.
Well, as I listened to them and talked with them and narrowed down what would be in the actual service and let them talk about their fear and anger and frustration and denial and whatever else popped in their heads, I gave them sage wisdom and advice designed to lift their spirits and give home without trivializing their loss and grief.
Oh yes. I’m THAT good. (ugh…)
Well, after my brilliant afternoon with these people, and by people I mean mother and wife, I prayed with them and for them and headed for the door.
Let me pause here for a moment. Let me tell you the other half of my day. It’s important for what I said to this family next.
I’ve been trying to exercise more. It happens in spurts, but I’ve been getting better. That morning my wife and went out and jogged about three miles before I had to stop for fear of my heart and lungs bursting forth from my chest cavity. After that, we went out and did the week’s yard work. Cut the grass, trimmed everything… you know, stuff like that.
I was completely toasted. I was done. Absolutely tired. I was ready to take a shower and go right back to bed. It took all I had just to get out of the chair when it was time to go visit with these people.
The lessen here is, do your best to avoid trying to be the patient, wise, strong, comforting figure when you are wanting nothing else than to not be any of those things. I know, life happens and we don’t always have the option… but still, go into it with the knowledge that you aren’t at your best and proceed with caution.
Back to my story. Ok, I think I’ve played this up so much that you are probably going to find this anti-climactic. But here it goes.
As I’m heading to the door, the mom and wife see me out and notice what a beautiful day it is. They say, “Wow, so are you going to out and enjoy the beautiful day?”
I said, “Oh, I’ve already done that. I jugged like mad this morning and worked the rest of the time in the yard. I’m so beat I could just drop dead.”
“…I could just drop dead.” He said to the people who’s funeral he, not 2 minutes before was helping them deal with and plan.
Really? I just said that? I smiled and walked off as if I hadn’t said it, and they didn’t react, but I felt like the worlds biggest jerk/idiot. I sat in my car pretending to check a message when actually I was begging God make them not remember that I had just said that.
Seriously? I could just drop dead? I might as well have said, “I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack and die just like your son tragically did. Isn’t that funny? How weird. Te he.”
Just to be clear, I don’t generally make those mistakes. And, maybe, that was the problem. I went into this situation very confident. Confidence isn’t bad, mind you. But I had just been thinking that day as I was pulling out my funeral sermon texts and getting ready, how, “I’ve done so many funerals in the last couple years, I’m getting pretty good at this death and family thing. I’m getting good and putting people at ease. Maybe I am cut out for this stuff after all.”
And then not 3 hours later… “I could just drop dead.”
You go long enough without the world noticing your mistakes that you start to believe that really don’t make them. I know better, of course. And yet, knowing it didn’t seem to stop me from shove my foot knee deep into my mouth.
I know that I’ve talked about pride and ego more than once. This is just another angle at which these things can just step up and thwack us in the head. Comfort is good. But in some situations, there is such a thing as being too comfortable. So comfortable that you let your guard down and start making stupid choices. Saying stupid things.
We like to pick on young people for this problem. You know else does it well?
Everyone else.
I have an elderly lady in one church who tells you point blank that she can get away with saying anything she wants because she’s old and people feel they have to let her. So she just takes advantage of it. I have no less than 5 other people notorious in my churches for doing also, even though they don’t make any claims about it.
You know who else is bad at it? Married people. They get about six months to a year into their marriage and decide they don’t have to be nice and thoughtful anymore. They say things in a tone and manner they would have never used when dating. Or with anyone else EVER, for that matter. And they… we… rationalize like this. “What? We’re married. I shouldn’t have to be careful.”
I’ve actually had people say this to me about themselves as if it’s a profound truth.
My response is always, “Um, yes, you do.” We do. We shouldn’t stop just because we are married. We should try even harder BECAUSE we are married. Love should drive us to want this. And if we don’t… well, I’d start asking myself, “why?”
You’ve heard the saying, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” Well, ok. I get the meaning. If you are acting in love, you will never do anything that you need to apologize for. And, that is true. But here is what is more true.
No matter how hard we try, we always screw up and do or say something stupid. Even in marriage and friendships. So, I like to say it like this. “Love is always being first to say you’re sorry.”
Of course, this isn’t about marriage. It’s about life. It’s about any person we come in contact with. The situations of life in which we exist.
Do we get so comfortable with ourselves and our abilities that we careless and thoughtless?
I did. I got lucky. I know other people who would have melted down right there had I said that. It was thoughtless and insensitive, even though it wasn’t intentional. Now, think about the times we do stuff like that and it IS intentional?
Don’t let our competence get in the way of our compassion. Don’t let our thoughts get in the way of our thoughtfulness.
Of course, it could just be me. Maybe I’m the only moron who does stuff like this. In which case, feel free to ignore me.
Have a great night.
