Let me start by explaining the title of this post.
Before I sat down to write, I told my wife I was going to call this the “Bathroom Blog” or “Toilet Blog” and then tell everyone that this is where todays post was conceived and executed.
Her reaction was less than positive.
I told her I was doing it anyway as walked off toward the bathroom. Going to kill two birds with one… well, you know.
And while we all know by now there is a good chance that if I had done that, I’d have no problem telling you from hence this post came, I did not actually do that.
But she won’t know that till she reads that paragraph.
So, yay! Fun.
That did make me think of something else, though. Don’t worry, it’s non poo related.
You ever told someone or people or anyone that you were going to accomplish task X at which point once they were not paying attention you accomplished task Y instead?
For example…
“Ok, you have a good day at work. I’ll be here working on that (insert job related thing, here.)” At which point you start binge watching Netflix the moment you are alone.
“Ooo… all 10 seasons of Stargate! I bet those are important…”
Or something else that I’ve never done. (shifts awkwardly in chair…)
We all know how super easy it is to get distracted. Especially in this age of everything and anything being available at the tips of your Google typing fingers.
I can’t tell you how many times I sat down to specifically find one thing of importance for work, only to catch myself 40 minutes later watching videos on Youtube because some random thing caught my attention and I just had to find it and see what it was all about. At which point the things I’m watching have nothing to do with the original thing or even the original distraction.
Looking for historical information on early Mayan spiritual beliefs. Oh, they played sports. I wonder if anyone still plays their games? Hey look, is that new Assassin’s Creed artwork? I bet Pinterest has more of that. Hey, who posted a car video under comic and gaming art? Ooo, it’s a link to Top Gear (British, of course) on youtube. Oh sweet! They have at least 200(million?) different Top Gear clips! Hey, I didn’t know they tested out that car! I wonder what they thought of it? I wonder how much those cars go for used? Hmm, still pricey… hey, what’s that car? Oh ya, I remember liking those. Those were good cars. I had forgotten about them… holy hobbies! Look how inexpensive they are now! I wonder if I could justify that purchase? Let’s calculate some…
And on it goes.
At some point I look at a clock, or I get hungry, or the sun sets and I remember what I was trying to do in the first place, and proceed to hang my head in shame.
I suspect at least one of you knows exactly what I’m talking about.
It happens. Especially if you are like me and don’t have an official “office”. It’s easy to do. But as long as the work gets done, we tell ourselves…
And then someone asks you, “So, what did you do today?”
And you reply, “Uhh, heh heh… um, you know, stuff. I had that, um, thing. But hey, tell me about your day?”
And then inside, you hang your head in shame. Again.
But there is a funny thing about shame. And guilt. They sink their claws in and never let go. Those two guys are not our friends.
That’s why we have to murder them.
*Gasp “He just told us to murder two dudes!!”
What?!? No.
And yes.
Guilt and shame? Those two are, well, shameless. They are not your friends. They do not have your best interest at heart. They do not want you to succeed. They do not want you to change. They want you to stay right where you are so they can feed off you like pathetic little vampires till there is nothing left of you but an empty husk.
But I hear you ask, “But aren’t guilt and shame tools for us to help keep us on the straight and whatever?”
Yes.
“Um, what?”
Yes.
“You make no sense.”
Exactly.
(Now I’ve lost my train of … oh yes, I remember.)
You and I? We are guilty. Of many things probably. Some of them are shameful. When thought about, we are filled with shame.
Now, take that, learn from it, and let those things go.
“Eh?”
When something makes you angry, should you choose to stay angry forever? If something makes you sad, should you stay sad forever? Negative emotion begets a negative life.
Be clear. Emotions are good. Just make sure you use them properly. Because they are also very powerful.
Let me try to clear all this up.
You do something stupid once, you feel dumb, then move on. Then you do it again. And you feel more dumb. Then you do it again, and you feel super guilty for making bad choices. It feels bad. That’s shame. And you are consumed by it and you get a little depressed. This gives you a bit of tunnel vision as you keep looking at the mistake. You can’t let it go. You can’t forget it, and now you feel like crap all the time. Every where you look, you see your guilt whether it’s there or not.
Then we keep spiraling, as long as we keep fueling the guilt and the shame.
Guilt and shame are markers. Letting us know what’s up. And once we see it, and have that “Oh, ya. Oops.” moment, we have to let it go and move on. Learn the lesson, make a better choice, and then stop dwelling on the mistake of the past.
We can’t change them. We can’t undo them. What’s done is done. Let it be.
It’s ok to be guilty and to feel shame for it. This tells you that you aren’t actually a bad person. But if you let the guilt and shame overwhelm you, you become useless. You don’t function well.
And the worst part is, there is no good reason to let those two jerks rule you. The more you feed them, the more powerful they become. Pretty soon, you see nothing else and your life is out of control and you actually start letting yourself make bad choices intentionally because, hey, I’m already way down that road, what does it matter now?
This is the path to many bad things. Addiction is not the least of the bad things. It’s also not the worst.
Shame and guilt will kill you. Literally. That is not an exaggeration. People who live under shame and guilt for extended periods of time start suffering health problems, which if not addressed, will kill them. Unless they become addicts first, in which case, that may kill them instead. Do I need to mention suicide?
We all know how stress kills. Guilt and shame are stress multiplied by a billion. (Not an actual scientific fact. Just assume it’s “bad”. That’s close enough.)
If you are caught in the spiral of guilt and shame that continues to feed off you and each other, it’s time to step off that path. Nothing good will come there. It is an unnecessary road. What’s done is done. Let it go and walk away. You have problems? Fine. So does everyone else. Yours are worse? Fine. That changes nothing.
The crazy thing is, it is super easy to let it all go. At the same time, it is super hard to recognize that it’s super easy to do it. You can’t imagine how anything could change or get better.
I wish I could tell you how. But the truth is that it’s different for everyone. A therapist would walk you through all kinds of counseling till you had your epiphany. But that’s the trick. It has to be your epiphany. You have to see it. Truly and finally see it.
Guilt and shame have no control over you. Those guys only have the power you give them.
Perhaps it’s time to take that power back.
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