The Anniversary Blog

Hello true believers!  

I don't really know what that means.  Stan Lee used to start his communications in comic books that way.  Mostly, I just wanted to use "true believers" in a sentence.

Today's post will be brief.  

Why, you ask?

Because today is my 15 year wedding anniversary.  As such I have more important things to do (like hang out with my fancy bride) than to spend large amounts of time here.  

That's right.  I said it.  My wife is more important to me than you are.  It's not personal.  It's love.

Love is a tricky thing.  Without love we would have likely murdered each other long ago.  And by "murdered" I mean significantly less violent but just as permanent.

There are lots of questions one could ask about relationships and marriage and what makes either one of them successful.  And by "successful", I do not mean "long."

A long marriage and a successful marriage are not necessarily the same thing.

Many people will stay in a marriage for more years than I've been alive, and be miserable the entire time simply because "that's how it's suppose to be."

Successful means that you are together AND happy about it.  You have both dedicated yourselves to a union greater than each of you individually and have found great joy in the other persons happiness.

I think it could be argued that there are other things that make it successful as well.

One question I could ask myself (and have) is, what have I learned over the last 15 years?

Firstly, I've learned that my wife is just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she is after a shower and proper grooming rituals. 

What?  What did you expect me to say?  Anything else would be suicide.

More importantly, I've learned that I am quite selfish.

In hindsight, I have seen how many of the things I did to make my wife "happy" were done in an attempt to vicariously make me happy.  Things done to hopefully encourage her to, in turn, do things back.

Said like that, it sounds really awful doesn't it?

I also noticed how many of the fights we had we largely based on one of us being selfish about something.  And just as often as not, it was the accuser who was being selfish.

I noticed, in retrospect, how much time was spent by one or both of us attempting to still be "separate".  This is not to be confused with maintaining ones own identity.  What I mean is, we would still be holding things back from each other not truly giving all of who we are to each other.  Not truly.  And, at the same time, not truly accepting all of who the other is.

It's easy to become two people who like the veneer of marriage, the superficial look and feel of it, without embracing the substance of what it should be.

Live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, eat together, do stuff together, pay bills, deposit pay checks, do couple type things and think that this constitutes marriage.

It does not.  Not even if you do it perpetually and without too much arguing.

Being united, being one together, is more than simple proximity.  It's more than mutual affection.  It's more than even passion.  

It's about desire and purpose.

Desiring the other persons happiness and well being above all else.  

Having a purpose for your union other than simple cohabitation and it's various benefits.  

A person is powerful.  

Two people working together selflessly as one...?  That is unstoppable.  

I love my wife with all my heart.  And she loves me.  We don't always get it right, but we won't ever stop trying.

Perhaps, maybe, that last part is important to the formula.

Love well, my friends.

Interlude 3: My Short Wife Post

Greetings and something.

Perhaps I should clarify my title again.  It refers to the shortness of the post, not the shortness of my wife.  Although... ahem...

As I mentioned last week, this next week we are headed to some place vacationy and warm.  As such, there is a good chance there will be no post next week.  Because of this we have been trying to make sure we have completed all the stuff which need completing before then so we have a stress free adventure.

However, this does mean that the weeks leading up to said trip tend to be extra busy and the opposite of stress free.

For myself, I had four different projects which deadlined this weekend.  These are four projects that are above and beyond my normal work load, however you wish to define that.  Super busy and stressed.  I should know better than to let myself get stressed.  But I don't always learn my own lessons well.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), I wasn't the only one having a less than stellar week.  My wife had a particularly rough week.  Especially at the beginning.

It all started off well.  At the gym this past Sunday, she accidentally ran a half marathon.  "Accidentally" is probably a misleading word.  She intended to run 10 miles.  Which she did.  But then, because she felt so good, she decided to beast-mode it another 3 miles.  And she did.  

13 miles.  One half of a marathon.  Ok, for you nitpicky types, 13.1 is half a marathon.  She did that.  It was just easier to type 13.  But then I went and explained, and pretty much ruined any advantage I had in the efficiency area.  Well done, me.

She accomplished one of her fitness goals.  We were both very excited.  More her than me, since I didn't run 13 miles.  Cause that's just crazy.  But I support her insanity.

She even accomplished another fitness goal just today by doing her Friday run while besting her previous best average split time.  Plus a couple other minor ones today as well.

A great bookended week for her.

But in the middle... holy bad word.  

She had some really random pain, her work shifts were long and full of drama, there were some unexpected money things, some more unexpected food allergy related issues, and a number of other little annoyances that just made her week not amazing.

I am sure I wasn't as supportive as I could have been being strapped in to my own cranky pants as I was.  She was trying to be considerate of me, and I was trying to be considerate of her, and we did ok... but it was a long, bad week.

But something weird happened in the middle of it all that oddly gave me some perspective.

This will probably not make sense to many of you, but here is how it went.

We finally had a few minutes, had been sitting on the couch and there may have been a couple minutes of TV watched.  After shutting down the TV device, my lovely and awesome wife went to the kitchen and dropped off the remote by the TV on the way.  As she bent down to set the controller in it's spot, she wacked her head on the TV.  Not hard.  No damage.  But it happened.

And we've all done stuff like that, right?  It happens.  But this was at the end of the worst day of our bad week.  The worst day for her.  She was hurting, tired, grumpy, and then that just before bed.

Do you know what I did?

I watched it happen and I had a minor epiphany, and as a result, I laughed so hard I thought I might pee a little then black out.

As you might expect, this was not the response she was hoping for.  But, my wife being the amazing trooper she is, eventually started laughing as well.

It was just so ridiculous.  So random.  So pointless.  It was meaningless.

We spent all week getting annoyed and worked up about stuff, and that one little act put it all in perspective. 

It's all transient.  It is meaningless.  The annoyances just don't matter.  In another week or two, they will all be fading memories and we will be on to something else.  We got caught up in the lunacy of the moment and allowed ourselves to be consumed by it.

But in that one moment, we snapped free.  Until next time.  All thanks to my wife's selfless act of taking one in the head for the team.

Don't let the unimportant minor things of life get you all worked up.  They are not constant. They will always move and change.  See the larger picture and find joy in it's beauty.

Have a great week and I'll catch you on the flip side of vacation!

Lesson 2 - Things I Learned From Porn

Hello everyone.

Welcome to this evenings post.  I'm glad you checked in.  However, before you proceed, this post comes with a warning.  (this is a serious warning, not my usual idiotic sarcasm)

I'm actually pretty nervous about tonights post.  I believe I once promised complete honesty, so I can't back out now.  This post contains themes and details that most people will, and should, consider offensive.  It is not done for the sake of shock value, but in order to convey and demonstrate an number of ideas and points all at once.  As the title of this blog suggests, I do use some graphic imagery from pornography as an illustration for furthering the thought.  If this offends you, I truly apologize.  It is not my intention.  However, I hope you will see past anything in here that you think is "unnecessary" and recognize the greater point and principle.  Because, while it may not be necessary for you, I assure you, it will be necessary for others.

You have been warned.  Now, feel free to continue on to the post.

       Perhaps I should qualify a couple things first and answer any questions I suspect might be bouncing around your perceptive brains.

Yes, I’ve seen porn.  No, I don’t watch porn anymore.  Yes, my wife knows.  Yes, it’s been a long time.  No, it hasn’t been long enough.  Yes, I think porn is a very bad idea on almost every level I can think of off the top of my head.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I still don’t want to look.  There are a couple things all you ladies out there need to understand if you don’t already.

Men want to have sex with everything all the time.

We aren’t nearly as discriminating as we would like people to believe.  The criteria are basically this.  Is the lady willing and is she able?  Beyond that it’s just subjective details that largely don’t matter.

Sure, we men want you to think that we have standards and tastes.  And that’s because we do know better and want to make good decisions.  We aren’t all evil jerks.  However, that doesn’t mean the desire to mate with anything and anyone isn’t there in some way.

Is she awake?

Check.

Is she still alive?

Check.

Are either of those optional?

…

Perhaps that’s an exaggeration.  My point is that men are biologically driven to crave sex endlessly.  Fortunately, most of us do our best to use our better judgment and understanding of appropriate behavior and so forth and etc.

Unfortunately, what we know about any of that is driven by culture.

For example.  Let’s take the porn culture.  Porn would have all men believe that every woman is just dying to have you mate with them.  Porn wants you to believe that every woman has no greater desire than perform oral sex on you, and even more, that doing so gives her some sort of fantastic pleasure.  Porn wants you to believe that women crave to have your 12 inch man part (let’s not kid ourselves.  That’s not me OR you) crammed hard and fast into their happy place with the enthusiasm and force of a jackhammer.  Porn would have you believe that every woman is drooling with desire for you to enter in through the out door.  After which, porn would like you to think that after your penis has been in their anus, they want to resume oral sex and are really looking forward to having you ejaculate all over their face or breasts or buttocks.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about and think I’m being disgusting or am insane, this is the regular formula of a standard issue porn scene.  I haven’t just made it up.  For those of you who do know what I’m talking about, please inform those who don’t that I didn’t just make that all up.

I’m pretty sure all you women who read this and didn’t throw the book away, are all thinking, “that’s awful and, well, awful.”

I’m pretty sure all you guys who read that are thinking, “Ya, no female who isn’t getting paid large sums of money is ever going to want to be a part of that.”  At which point you sighed inside your mind with a twinge of disappointment.

Let’s be honest here.  I went to college.  So did you most of you men.  You hung with other guys and talked about women and porn and how women relate to porn.

Of course, most of us realized this wasn’t reality.  I don’t know a single guy who has ever had a proctologic exam and walked out of the office going “Wow, I can’t wait to do that again.  Maybe next time he’ll make it last for 20 minutes or so.” 

That’s because it’s unpleasant in every way.

Now, guys, how many of you have thought or fantasized about what it would be like to have porn style anal sex with your wife?  How many of you have actually asked?

Of course you didn’t.  We know it’s ridiculous.  And yet… porn style sex appeals to every part of the biological need to have sex till you pop.  Because none of that is uncomfortable for you as a man.  It’s the woman who’s taking all the abuse.  And in the movies she seems to like it just fine.

And people think porn starlet’s can’t act.

See, even though we know better, there is a part of us that wants it to be true.  Yes, most of us guys would never, EVER, even harbor the idea of asking your wife or significant other to actually go through that.  We know it would be relational suicide AND we know that’s its not really loving sex.  

There is no love there.

Just sex.  And not even kind sex.

Do I think the porn industry is trying to make people think this stuff normal?

No.  At least not all of them.  The reason they make the movie is because it isn’t normal.

But we buy into it anyway.

Let’s be clear, though.  This isn’t about porn.  Or sex.  There are many non-pornographic movies that promote the exact same idea that women are ravenous sex machines who want nothing more than for you to fulfill that need for them.

It’s not true.

What this is about is what forms the ideas of “need” and “desire” in us.

You ever heard college guys tell you “party stories?”  There are tons of variations, but they largely go like this.

“Dude, I couldn’t remember a f___ing thing!  I was sooo wasted!  I woke up in puddle of piss, I was elbow-deep in a squirrel, and I had no pants on.  It was f___ing AWESOME!!!”  (he said in a big frat-boy commando voice.)

Really?  It was awesome?  By what definition?  Because it’s a funny story?  Because your head pounded for two days afterward?  Because, you know, you can’t even remember how it all happened?

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call “fun.”

You see, we define happiness and fun and joy and fulfillment by the definitions proposed to us.  We do it, not because they are necessarily accurate, but because we don’t know ourselves and hey, they wouldn’t lie to us, right?

Because TV never lies.

Or books.  Or movies.  Or church.  Or school.  Or anyone.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like movies.  I love action sci-fi and comic books and all that.  But that doesn’t mean I have any illusion that I’m going to go out and punch my fist through a brick wall just because I saw the alien cyborg ninja mutant do it.

At this point I can feel you all going, “Yes, we know.  We aren’t morons, you know.”

Fair enough.  These are exaggerated examples that only apply to the more… “exceptional” among us.

But we all do this in smaller ways.  We see a shirt on a movie star and think this is what I need to look good.  Or maybe it’s a hair cut.

Marketing agencies make their living on the idea that this is true.  We internalize what we see and hear, whether we realize it or not, and incorporate it into thought and action.  They call it “advertising.”

You see a movie with a cool car in it… guys… and you are like, “Man… I’d drive that.”  And there is nothing wrong with that.  I’m a gear head myself.

Tell me, do you think there is a reason why car commercials and magazine ads for cars often have females either selling, driving, or standing next to the car?

I mean, what more could a guy want?  A fast car and sex.  Give him some good food and you have the trifecta of male desire.

Of course, it’s not just movies and TV and magazines.  It’s everywhere.  People we meet.  They have that certain something.  That quality that makes them seem smart or sophisticated.  And you hang on every word.  You spend your time with them making them your friend.  Eventually you start to act like them.  Become more like them.  You enjoy being with them.

It’s because we see something in them that we wish we saw in ourselves.  Maybe it’s smarts.  Maybe it’s likability.  Maybe it’s joy.  But we think that if we can be like this person who I like, others will in turn like me.  Then I’ll be happy.

It is us defining happiness by external criteria.

Unfortunately the external criteria are nothing but superficial stimuli.  It doesn’t make us happy.  It’s not true happiness.  It’s not realistic or even real at all.  It’s an illusion of reality.

It’s nothing but porn.