Life Lessons: Introduction

I have no idea what I’m doing.  Just thought I’d warn you.

I’m not even sure why I’m doing it.  But for whatever reason, I really want to write a book.  I don’t know if I think it will make me rich, or if it will be fun, or both, or neither.

Maybe I just like hearing the sound of my own voice.  Except, you know, I can’t hear the written word.  So, I guess it’s more like reading the sound of my own voice.  But with out the voice.

Or actual sound.

Right.

Did I mention that I have no idea what I’m doing?

I do feel that writing can be cathartic, even if it is just a random spewing of thoughts.  Sometimes, that which makes us feel better is the illusion in our head.  The illusion that I did a good job, or that my words actually matter in some way.

The illusion that I matter.

It sounds bad when I say it that way, doesn’t it?  Of course people matter.  We just don’t always believe that WE matter.  That I matter.  

But we want to.

We want to know that our lives have purpose and impact and are more than just a series of pointless events strung across time.  So, even when we aren’t sure… or perhaps, especially when we aren’t sure… we will create the illusion in our own heads that what we do, who we are, what we say, matters.  We want to feel better about ourselves.

Huh.  That sounds depressingly pathetic.

That is not actually my intention.  And really, what do I know?  I’m no psychologist.  I don’t know what you are thinking.  I don’t know why you think it, even if I say I do.  Which, I will probably do.

But everyone wants to feel better.  Even if they already feel good.  We want to laugh.  We want to improve.  Progress.  Run faster, farther.  Be skinnier and more muscular.  Have more hair in the right places and less in the wrong places.

That’s a weird one, right?  It’s amazing how much power ones hair has.  Nothing makes you feel older or look older than losing your hair.  

Trust me, I know all about this.  Mine has not so much disappeared as it has migrated.  It’s pretty patchy up top, but fortunately my body compensated by giving me extra all over and inside my nose.

Then there is my little patch of lower back goodness.  Or the random patches on my chest, belly and nipples.

That’s right, all you young attractive and body-hair free guys.  Just wait… your time is coming.  Once, not long ago, I was like you.  Full head of awesome.  Hairless pecks of glory.  Six-pack abs of sexy.

Now, I’m mostly sweaty and smell bad.  

I still sometimes try to act suave and sexy for my wife.  Which really makes her giggle.  But not in that turned on sort of way.  More in that awkward embarrassed sort of way.  In that, “Oh honey, you’re so silly.  You keep trying, and that’s… sweet…”

This works wonders for my ego.  It keeps reality in check.  Or perhaps, it keeps me in check, and snuggly tethered to reality.

It also keeps me jogging.  I can’t begin to describe all the ways THAT sucks.  They tell you that you get some sort of high or rush from jogging.

Lies.

All lies.

You know what I get from jogging?  

Tired.  Sore.  Out of breath.  Sweaty.  That feeling of such utter exhaustion and fatigue and inability to, you know, breath… that I beg God to strike me dead where I stand.

That’s my jogging experience.

However, to be fair, since I started jogging again, I’ve lost 20 pounds as of this sentence.  I can actually see my abs again.  I’d forgotten that I had more than one.  I can see four real clear, and two more are beginning to come out of hiding.  I’m buying shirts a size smaller now.  I no longer get out of breath when starting the car.  And you know what?

I feel pretty good about that.  I look better.  I feel better.  It turns out, all that work is worth it.  The pain and exhaustion.  

The other day my wife noticed that my arms had muscles.  At first I was thinking, “You mean they didn’t before?”  But then I realized she was noticing a difference in me.  A difference she liked.

And that made me feel good about me.

Which made me go out and by a nice, new, tailored suit.  And by “nice”, I mean “cheap”.  Let’s face it, I can’t afford nice.  I mean, it’s not high society.  But it does look the business.  I put on that suit, and I think, “if you weren’t so bald, you’d look totally sweet.”

So, I wear a fedora with it instead.  I like my fedora.  It looks good.  And oddly, it looks good when I wear my Green Lantern t-shirt, jeans, and Converse All-stars.

Although, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who thinks so.

But does that matter?  

Well, probably yes.  But not as much as it used to.  And maybe that’s the real improvement.  It’s not the hat or the suit or shirt or the new-found abs.  Maybe it’s just knowing I can be a better me, an improved me, or that I can be happy with me.  

Because, all that superficial crap is meaningless.  My wife loved me when I was just sweaty and hairy and bald.  Does she love me more now that I have a nice suit and a trimmer figure?

No.  Sure, she is now ok being seen with me in public, and no longer hides behind the closest tree when some body walks by.

But she cared more about who I was inside, than what I was outside.

Why didn’t I?

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this book.  

I'm Back, I'm Sorry, I'm a Bad Person, and Other Things So Please Read Thank You.

Sooo... how do I explain myself?

That is going to be tough since I'm not sure I actually have a good excuse.  My last post told you about a project I was working on.  Since then I've changed jobs (no, I wasn't fired... might have even been promoted-ish), moved (no, I wasn't evicted), significantly improved my health (no, I... actually, ya, I am kind of healthier now), and have been trying to deal with life.

Let's focus on that last one.

I would like to preface this and say, any personal issues I may or may not hint at are pretty minor in the grand scheme of things and really don't stack up well against people who have actual problems.  

Let's pause there for a second.  If you are new to this blog and have never ready any thing here and might not know who I am or what this whole thing is about, I encourage you to go back and read my old posts.  Emphasis on old.  I couldn't believe how long it had been since my last post till recently when I checked out the page.  I was shocked and embarrassed.

In a nutshell, I talk about life and stuff about life and lessons learned there-in, usually in embarrassing ways that have to do with me being an idiot, hence the title of my blog.

Back to my poor excuse for excuses.

Life got "hard".  While, it could be argued that my life was being "successful", it was by no means "easy."  I'm using quotes to let you know the relative quality of those words.  One man's torture is another man's vacation.  Or so I'm told.  I don't look at those websites and you can't prove otherwise.

When things get difficult there are lots of ways people can react.  In my case I started withdrawing from stuff just to avoid extra work and other things, like, you know, thinking.  No, it wasn't actually that bad.  But I was getting distracted by life more and more and it got harder and harder to focus on and remember to do the things I actually enjoy.

Like this blog, for example.

But you know what is funny?  All that time I wasn't writing and posting to this blog, I was actually writing.  At some point, I don't remember when, I decided to try writing a bit more organized form of the blog and see if I could make it a "book".  I even managed to hack out 10 chapters plus an Introduction.

I never moved passed that stage.  I finished chapter 10 over a year ago or more.

One thing that is strange about me is that, as a leader type person, I am required to make regular decisions about stuff and things.  And I do just fine in that regard.  But in my personal life, sometimes when I'm not sure how to move forward with something, my decision making abilities sort of shut down.

As dumb as that makes me sound, I still like that better than just saying "I got lazy."  You pick the one that makes you all happy and glowy inside.

It turns out I've been in a really good place career wise for a while now and I've had the time to do this regularly, and I have continued to put it off.  I honestly do not know why.

Even as I sat down to finally suck it up and do this, I hesitated.  I realized the emotion was "fear."

Seriously.

Fear.

I was literally afraid to write this post and continue forward and pick up where I left of and keep trying.

"Why?" I hear you ask?  "What's wrong with you?" you maybe thinking, and, "Are you stupid or something?" you could rightly ask.

I truly am not certain.  I think partially because it had been so long, I was afraid no one would read.  I have let down a few faithful readers and people who looked forward to my posts, however idiotic they may be.  And that's a big deal, because I'm not sure there were that many people reading in the first place.

At least, that's what I thought.  As it turns out, I'm a moron.

This will make me sound dumb, but I hadn't considered actually checking the traffic checker for this page.  It seems there have been many thousands of people checking this page, even during this long dry period.

I'm sure many of them found this page looking for something else.  I'm not so arrogant as to think this thing was what people were looking for.  But man... people have been looking, and checking, and waiting, and I'd been letting them down.

I feel like a bad person.  (have I garnered enough sympathy yet to move forward?  Let's find out...)

So, here is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to post those fledgling book chapters.  And then I will keep posting new stuff.  And, I may even throw in some extra "fun" stuff as well.  Some of you know I was an artist/designer by trade in my first post college career.  Not an amazing one, but, good enough.  Well, I've been working on a web cartoon/comic/thingy.  It's not ready yet.  I have a couple completed strips, but not enough to be ready to start posting them, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how often I want to, or even can, post them.

But I want to... I need to... make this blog into something more.  I need to have this thing in my life that is simple and honest.  The rest of my life is also honest, but it's usually far from simple.

However, for tonight, I will post this, um, post, and then I will immediately post the introduction to the "book" I was writing.  Maybe one day I will decide it's done and maybe even publish it.  I could certainly use the money.  But I realized that, those words shouldn't be about the money, and that they should be free for those who can find them, and if I publish later, then yay and whatever.  But if I can say anything that helps someone, or causes someone to consider life differently in some way, then I should do that.  That is the true purpose.  It's the thing that matters.  Doing something that improves the life of someone else.

I think I lost sight of that before.  I got caught up in my own life, and forgot about everyone else.  Which, for those who don't know me and you do go back and ready my old posts, you will understand the irony in that failure.

I hope you, my former faithful readers, will forgive me for the last few years of blogging silence.  It was not super cool.

Alright, all my groveling and excuse making, done, let me tell you about what I will be posting.  (yes, I know this is getting long.)

The book was to be titled the same as the blog.  Each chapter was titled as a "Lesson".  They are better structured and thought through, as my old ones are bit more haphazard and slapdash.  They probably have typo's in them.  I proof read really well as long as someone else wrote it.  But when I proof read my own work, I'm pretty awful at catching mistakes.  I'm not going to edit them, or change them.  This means you will read some stuff which may be dated.  In those cases, I have, when I've caught it, added one of these (words and stuff) with the updated info or time frame.

Also, the posts will refer to themselves as a "book" sometimes.  I know about it, I'm not going to change it.  My reasons are excuses, excuses, more excuses, lazy, excuse, and excuses.

One of those reasons is correct.

Ok, enough putting it off.  Here we go.  Tonight, I give you "Life Lessons:  The Further Adventures of a Perpetual Idiot - Introduction".

Interlude: Thanksgiving Goodness and my Pet Project.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Except you in the corner. You know who you are…

I don’t know about you, but I had a great Thanksgiving. Good food, good people… good food… all in all, a day well had. And, I got to spend lots of quality time with both of my nieces. The new one and the less new one. They are great. Unclehood is a wonderful thing.

I was trying to decide what I am most thankful for. And really, I’m not sure I can narrow it down to one thing I’m more thankful for than anything else. Some of the top contenders are… (in no particular order)

I’m not dead. (always a classic)
I’m not homeless.
My wife is awesome and also isn’t dead.
I’m not being hunted by ninja assassins. (that I know of…)
I finally finished a long running project. (more on that later.)

There are many others. Some probably more important than the ones I’ve listed. I could go on about the rest of my family, my friends… both real and imaginary… and my churches. But I won’t bore you with the details. In the end, I have to conclude that my life is very good. Better than it has any right to be.

I mentioned my new niece, right? She’s about a month old. She is just this little peanut. I can’t get enough. And her older sister is just growing so fast. She’s 3.5 years old. I gave her pony rides. She likes to sit on my back while I scramble about on my hands and knees, and then buck her off onto the couch.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Good times.

Now, about that long running project. Some of you are aware of it, some of you are not. What we’ve been doing is trying to get one of my churches set up to record video and stream it live whenever I preach there. And finally, after many setbacks, it is done and ready. We are now set up to both stream live, and keep previously recorded sermons available for on-demand viewing. All one needs is a computer and a decent internet connection.

And a desire to listen to me preach badly.

I mean, really, does everyone think the sound of their own voice sounds stupid once it’s recorded, or is it just me?

Maybe, you should answer that.

Anyway, the website is http://www.rockfallssdachurch.org/. If one decides to go there, at the top of the page is a link called “Live and On-Demand Sermons.”

Or you can click here. http://www.rockfallssdachurch.org/article.php?id=7

On that page are a number of links. One is a schedule of dates that will be streamed live. It’s not every week because I have three churches I have to rotate through. So, the dates are listed there.

Just below that is a link titled “Watch Live Now.” I believe it’s purpose is pretty self explanatory.

Below THAT, is a section with links to previously recorded sermons. On-demand sermons, if you will. Should you go there, you will notice they have been broken into parts. This is because we are poor. Hosting is expensive, so we are using a free service that requires file sizes be small. This means we have to break large files into smaller pieces. Fortunately, most sermons only need two pieces.

Also, because it’s a free service, sometimes there are advertisements before the sermon starts. If that bothers any of you, I’m sorry. I do have a solution, though. Put a finger in each ear, close your eyes, then shout really loud till the commercial ends. It should help you avoid the grotesque evil that is a cotton towel commercial. (he said with sarcasm…)

Now, I realize that perhaps not all of your, or even any of you, are interested in this. But for those who might be, there it is.

I encourage you to share the links with anyone and everyone, should you feel it is appropriate to do so. It’s easy to use, and handy if someone wants to be at church, but can’t, or doesn’t go to church, but is interested in hearing a sermon, or just wants to do something different.

It is my hope that one day it can help create a safe, enjoyable and active internet fellowship community. Call it church if you wish. Worshipping and learning about God is more than just sitting in church. I would go so far as to say just sitting in church is the farthest thing from it.

I want there to be a place for someone who is interested in God, but doesn’t feel comfortable in church. It’s my hope that this will help there.

So, please, try it out if you wish, let me know if you run into problems, and I hope you all have a great weekend.

Till next time.

Blog 17: An Idiot's Tale

Greetings.

Welcome to another installment of…
“Stupid Things Done By Tony”

In today’s episode, we find our perpetual idiot helping a grieving family as they prepare for the funeral.

“What could possibly go wrong there?” I hear you say.

Well, let me tell you all the ways I can be stupid. Ok, in my defense, it was only one way in which I was stupid, but I digress. Let me tell you all about it.

Last Friday I received a phone call from a person who attends a church in the next town over. The 52 year old son of one of the members passed away due to a heart attack. They are trying to plan for the funeral, however their pastor is out of town and can’t get back in time. Therefore, they decided to call me and ask if I would be willing to perform the funeral for them.

Of course, I said yes. Not because I just love doing funerals. I don’t. I’m happy to do them because it’s necessary and needs to be done. But it’s not what I categorize as “fun.” However, I’ve done my fair share in the last few years and have become more or less comfortable doing them.

As a side note, it’s amazing the things you can get used to. But continuing on…

I don’t know this person or family. I tell them to contact me back once they know when the funeral will be, and I will sit down with them and work out the details and talk and pray with them.

Now, let me clarify something. Some of you may be wondering, “Why wait for them to get the funeral scheduled before rushing right over to be with the family?”

You ask a good question. Here is my answer. I have found that the first couple days after a death are a whirlwind of phone calls and trips to the funeral home and scheduling and taking care of business paralleled only by wedding preparations. Therefore, unless I was called in before the death happened, i.e., coming to the hospital to sit with the family as they watch their loved one die, I try to stay out of the way till they actually have the time to focus on themselves. Until then, I’m only getting in the way.

And this is what I did. I waited till Sunday and then we set a time to get together. Not to ring my own bell, (trust me, I’ll be humiliating myself in a moment…), but this turned out to be perfect timing. They told me how this was the first time since the man died that they’d had a moment to sit down. They were finally done setting up the arrangements, and were just now catching their breath.

Ah, how my ego soared as I realized, once again, my superior wisdom and judgment paid off.

Well, as I listened to them and talked with them and narrowed down what would be in the actual service and let them talk about their fear and anger and frustration and denial and whatever else popped in their heads, I gave them sage wisdom and advice designed to lift their spirits and give home without trivializing their loss and grief.

Oh yes. I’m THAT good. (ugh…)

Well, after my brilliant afternoon with these people, and by people I mean mother and wife, I prayed with them and for them and headed for the door.

Let me pause here for a moment. Let me tell you the other half of my day. It’s important for what I said to this family next.

I’ve been trying to exercise more. It happens in spurts, but I’ve been getting better. That morning my wife and went out and jogged about three miles before I had to stop for fear of my heart and lungs bursting forth from my chest cavity. After that, we went out and did the week’s yard work. Cut the grass, trimmed everything… you know, stuff like that.

I was completely toasted. I was done. Absolutely tired. I was ready to take a shower and go right back to bed. It took all I had just to get out of the chair when it was time to go visit with these people.

The lessen here is, do your best to avoid trying to be the patient, wise, strong, comforting figure when you are wanting nothing else than to not be any of those things. I know, life happens and we don’t always have the option… but still, go into it with the knowledge that you aren’t at your best and proceed with caution.

Back to my story. Ok, I think I’ve played this up so much that you are probably going to find this anti-climactic. But here it goes.

As I’m heading to the door, the mom and wife see me out and notice what a beautiful day it is. They say, “Wow, so are you going to out and enjoy the beautiful day?”

I said, “Oh, I’ve already done that. I jugged like mad this morning and worked the rest of the time in the yard. I’m so beat I could just drop dead.”

“…I could just drop dead.” He said to the people who’s funeral he, not 2 minutes before was helping them deal with and plan.

Really? I just said that? I smiled and walked off as if I hadn’t said it, and they didn’t react, but I felt like the worlds biggest jerk/idiot. I sat in my car pretending to check a message when actually I was begging God make them not remember that I had just said that.

Seriously? I could just drop dead? I might as well have said, “I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack and die just like your son tragically did. Isn’t that funny? How weird. Te he.”

Just to be clear, I don’t generally make those mistakes. And, maybe, that was the problem. I went into this situation very confident. Confidence isn’t bad, mind you. But I had just been thinking that day as I was pulling out my funeral sermon texts and getting ready, how, “I’ve done so many funerals in the last couple years, I’m getting pretty good at this death and family thing. I’m getting good and putting people at ease. Maybe I am cut out for this stuff after all.”

And then not 3 hours later… “I could just drop dead.”

You go long enough without the world noticing your mistakes that you start to believe that really don’t make them. I know better, of course. And yet, knowing it didn’t seem to stop me from shove my foot knee deep into my mouth.

I know that I’ve talked about pride and ego more than once. This is just another angle at which these things can just step up and thwack us in the head. Comfort is good. But in some situations, there is such a thing as being too comfortable. So comfortable that you let your guard down and start making stupid choices. Saying stupid things.

We like to pick on young people for this problem. You know else does it well?

Everyone else.

I have an elderly lady in one church who tells you point blank that she can get away with saying anything she wants because she’s old and people feel they have to let her. So she just takes advantage of it. I have no less than 5 other people notorious in my churches for doing also, even though they don’t make any claims about it.

You know who else is bad at it? Married people. They get about six months to a year into their marriage and decide they don’t have to be nice and thoughtful anymore. They say things in a tone and manner they would have never used when dating. Or with anyone else EVER, for that matter. And they… we… rationalize like this. “What? We’re married. I shouldn’t have to be careful.”

I’ve actually had people say this to me about themselves as if it’s a profound truth.

My response is always, “Um, yes, you do.” We do. We shouldn’t stop just because we are married. We should try even harder BECAUSE we are married. Love should drive us to want this. And if we don’t… well, I’d start asking myself, “why?”

You’ve heard the saying, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” Well, ok. I get the meaning. If you are acting in love, you will never do anything that you need to apologize for. And, that is true. But here is what is more true.

No matter how hard we try, we always screw up and do or say something stupid. Even in marriage and friendships. So, I like to say it like this. “Love is always being first to say you’re sorry.”

Of course, this isn’t about marriage. It’s about life. It’s about any person we come in contact with. The situations of life in which we exist.

Do we get so comfortable with ourselves and our abilities that we careless and thoughtless?

I did. I got lucky. I know other people who would have melted down right there had I said that. It was thoughtless and insensitive, even though it wasn’t intentional. Now, think about the times we do stuff like that and it IS intentional?

Don’t let our competence get in the way of our compassion. Don’t let our thoughts get in the way of our thoughtfulness.

Of course, it could just be me. Maybe I’m the only moron who does stuff like this. In which case, feel free to ignore me.

Have a great night.

Blog 16: A Donkey's Butt

Ok.

I’ve been a very bad boy.

I have posted since May? April, if I’m being honest?

For those of you who actually care about what I say, I’m sorry for that. Not sorry for you caring, sorry that I’ve let you down. It’s been a busy summer, but really, that’s just a lame excuse. I could have found time to do this. I enjoy doing this. I am so happy when I see that someone has actually read this, and even more, when someone says, “hey, what you just said wasn’t total feces.”

It makes me feel all warm and tingly in my intestines.

The problem is, I had(have?) been feeling as though I was(am?) swimming in the icky waters of misguided purpose.

The real irony of that is that, it was the great summer that led me to that feeling.

I spent a huge chunk of the summer at summer camp. As usual. I love it. It was even better than last year for me. And last year was great. I felt like what I did made a difference. I felt like I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t just to get people to take me seriously. I could just be me. I was working with mostly teens so, maybe that means I’m a tad immature if “being me” is a lot like being a teenager. Hmm…

But I had fun. And I saw great things. And young people were coming to me and asking questions on their own without prompting. And we had great discussions. And people gave their lives to God. I was once again reminded that there is hope for our young people.

Then I had to come home. Immediately, all the sincere searching was replaced with ridiculous church politics. People trying to make statements, not find God in their lives. Not everyone, of course. But it doesn’t take too many before you start sharpening pointy objects and making plans to use them.

One day, after a particularly ridiculous afternoon listening to some particularly ridiculous lunacy, my wife and I came home, walked in the door, stopped and looked each other in the eye, and at the exact same time said, “It’s time for us to leave.”

I can’t speak for her, but for me I was realizing, I’m a youth pastor. With no youth. I am in the wrong place with the wrong people. It’s not my strength. It’s not my purpose. It’s not my blah blah blah, whatever.

Whine whine whine, is what I did.

I started thinking about the last 6 years of my life and trying to figure out what it had to do with anything? Why get cancer twice in four years? Why did it suck worse the second time? Why have I had to suffer so much physically? (understand, I’m the guy answers these questions for other people…) Why am I in a place with people who make me insane? (Not all of them. Not even most of them.) Oh whoa is me. My life is hard, why can’t things ever go right? Why can’t I just be in a place where things work and my I don’t have to have the responsibilities that I have and I can just focus on the stuff that ACTUALLY MATTERS… instead of all the lunacy that normally deal with? Why why why?

I spent a fair amount of time looking and praying for a new place to be. I even went to my boss and let him know that it needed to happen. I even cried. A lot. I think my boss is convinced I’m insane. It’s too bad he won’t see this. Maybe I should send it to him. Hmm…

Anyway.

Nothing came of my desires to go somewhere else. I’ve slowly been resigning myself to the idea that, for now, this is still it.

Tonight, my asked me if I had seen that my friend (insert fake name… here.) had started a blog. I said, “Huh, really? I hadn’t noticed. I’ve been too self absorbed in my life to care about anyone else’s.”

Actually, I only said the fist half of that.

So, being the good friend I am (stepping aside to avoid the lightning…), I pulled up and read it. First, not only is it good, which didn’t surprise me, I noticed something that I had largely not paid attention to recently.

Other people have rough lives too.

Which led me to another conclusion.

I’m a self-absorbed donkey butt.

This guy is one of my best friends. We met the first week of seminary. We became great friends and basically did everything together for three years until we graduated. Video games, classes, skipping classes… you know, the good stuff.

It turns out that, while I’ve been absorbed how much my cancer sucked, and did suck, and how much my life can be crazy, and it can be, and how much I want things that I can’t have, which I do… HE has not only been worrying about keeping his pastoral life in some sort of normal range, same as me, but also been trying to keep his marriage from exploding into a gory mess of awful. And while he’s been trying to keep THAT together, he’s been praying to God that his wife won’t follow through on the urges to kill herself AND their infant child. And while trying to work through THAT, trying to come to the grips with the fact that, the status of her depression may or may not get much better.

I believe in honesty. So when I tell you that there were serious moments near the end of my chemotherapy where I wanted to die rather go through anymore, know that I’m not exaggerating. It was THAT bad.

Every day.

But then I got better. So far. Now, it’s just a memory. A bad one, sure, but a memory. I’m not still sick. And those churches I’m so frustrated with? They are growing. God is blessing there. They aren’t growing because of me. They are growing because God is making it happen. I could take another entire blog to explain why I believe that. I’m watching God do great things here in my district all the time.

And instead of being excited about it, I’m whining about things that are transient. My life is easy. It’s good. I never have to worry that one day I’m going to come home to find my family dead. My biggest worry is whether or not I will get a phone call and have to listen to the crazy lady chew my ear off for 20 minutes about how she washed socks and had a bowel movement. (true story)

Sure, I sometimes worry about whether I’ll get cancer again. But that’s not much different from everyone else. “Gee, I hope I never get cancer like that Tony guy. That seems like the opposite of fun.”

In reality, I’m a selfish, self-absorbed child, complaining about how I don’t get my way, and get to do the things I want to do the way I want to do them. Sure, I have friends who’s lives are seriously stressed and they are scared every day about something truly important. But hey, that’s not important, right? Why should the life of my friends matter to me?

Ugh. I’m such a schmuck.

I don’t even know that that means, but I’m sure it’s true.

And because of this, I’ve focused more on me, instead of doing stuff that matters. Like blogging, for example. It may not matter to most of you. But even if there is only one person who feels it makes a difference to them, then it’s completely worth it.

Everything is transient. Good things and bad things both. Life, is transient. It’s too bad I haven’t been living as if I believe that. I teach every day that the thing that matters is most is self less love toward others.

I’m just not sure I’ve actually learned that lesson. At least, it seems like I haven’t.

For this, I apologize. You may ask, “Why?” The answer is simple. Nothing happens in a vacuum. Selfishness impacts everyone around the offender. I can’t be selfish without someone else being negatively effected by it.

I recently taught that the reality of Salvation is selfless love. From God to us, and us to Him and others.

I asked myself if I felt this described me.

I haven’t answered myself yet. I’m truly afraid of what I might say.

It’s easy for me to sit back and see the flaw of other people. To see their problems and dissect them and analyze them. But it’s down right painful to do it to myself.

Maybe if I did it more often, it wouldn’t be so bad. Or maybe, if I did it more often, I wouldn’t have to do it at all. I’m not actually sure that made sense. But there it is. I said it.

After all of this, what is my point? Why do I bother to tell you all of this? Is it just a plea for sympathy?

No. Sure, sympathy feels nice, but it doesn’t actually solve problems.

When you try to live life in a vacuum, all you do is create a black hole. You create a zone of awful that just sucks the people around you in. Being self absorbed makes the life of the people around stressful and miserable. It creates tension and conflict. I’ve seen that. I’ve seen my wife and I fight over stupid… stupid stuff. I’ve seen myself get mad over absolutely ridiculous things.

If this describes you, I have good news. You have the power to do something about it. You can actually change this. I recommend prayer and surrender and determination. But the understanding that is needed is, the thing you do next is your choice. No one can make you stay where you are. No one can make you stay miserable. No one can make you live a life you hate. And whether what’s need is a change of location, or just a change in attitude, it’s still a choice that you can make.

I have a choice I have to make in my life. No one can make it but me.

What choice are you going to make?

Interlude: Another added bit of wholesome goodness.

Words that mean the same as hello.


Other words that are funny and witty.


Um... oh ya. I've added a new link. It's at the right. It's also right here. http://www.inspirationformoms.com/ It's called Laura's Mommy Talk.


Are you a mother? Then this site is for you.


Are you a stay at home mother? Then this site is for you.


Are you a Pleknorian from the planet Pleknor? Well, unless you are also a momma Pleknorian, then perhaps this site is not so much for you.


Laura has a great blog that she tries to update everyday with thoughts and tips on such things from exercise and all around healthiness, to parenting experiences, to humor and encouragement. Perhaps even all of those at once. It's a great blog that's worth checking out.


So, go. Check out my friends blog and all her mommy wisdom.


Pleknorians are welcome, too. If you must.

Blog 15: Let There Be Fruit

Greetings fellow programs.

What, has no one here ever seen Tron?

Huh. Maybe I am old. I didn’t see this coming.

Anyway, what was I going to tell you…

Oh. That’s right. The wedding. I recently had the privilege to perform a wedding for a good friend of mine. Cool stuff. Got to see some old friends and embarrass the wedding party publically. Well, I don’t know if they were all that embarrassed, but I sure had a fun time.

But let me tell you about what happened at the reception.

Let me start by saying this. Everyone has certain occupational hazards. Pastor’s, for example, might as well walk around with giant targets painted on their chests. Someone is always gunning for you. And so it was at this reception.

As I was sitting at my table laughing and joking with a couple of old friends, a couple gentlemen from another table came over. They wanted to ask the pastor some questions. Now, understand, I am always up for that. I enjoy it. It’s fun. It’s part of who I am. These guys, however, were less interested in asking question as they were going to show me how I was wrong and what I believe and teach are wrong.

At one time they had been a part of my denomination, and they came to me completely certain of what I must believe and teach on certain things. So certain were they, that they just started unleashing their ammo on topic after topic, completely certain I was going to disagree and argue with them and they were going to show me their infallible proof of how wrong the denomination is and by extension, I am.

Over the next two hours, they “discussed” 5 or so different topics that they were sure I was going to fight them on. What the topics were are largely irrelevant. Feel free to inquire if you wish. But the point isn’t the specific topics. The point is that it never once occurred to them that I might actually agree with them.

Which I did. On ever topic but one. And even with that one, I only disagreed in one area, and agreed on the rest of the point. Really, we couldn’t have agreed much more across the board if we had planned it.

And yet, they kept looking for a way to disagree. This is because, they weren’t really looking for a discussion.

They were looking for a fight.

They would launch into a scripture referencing festival, and follow it with, “how can you believe and teach this?”

To which I would reply, “Well, I don’t. I agree with you.”

To which they would reply, “No that’s not tr,… wait, what?”

Every time it was complete bafflement that I wasn’t disagreeing with them. A long time ago, they had been taught certain things. They had believed them. They had believed that this is what the denomination actually believed. Certainly, many do. But not in any official way. But they believed that it was official and that every pastor believed and taught these things. Which, as it turns out, isn’t true. They had learned from pastor’s who were teaching agenda. And these guys had bought it.

Then, one day as they were studying, they discovered that it wasn’t true. It’s funny how the truth always finds it’s way to light. It can only be buried for so long before it sneaks out of it’s prison. And it had snuck into their lives. And this is good and great. There is only one small issue here.

This all happened over a decade ago. And now, ten years later, they are still angry about it. They are still hunting down pastor’s they come into contact with.

Let me be clear. They were not mean. They were not rude. They were perfectly friendly and we had a great discussion. No one left angry. I don’t want to give the impression that this was a verbal brawl. One of these guys I had met a few times in the past before I was a pastor. It probably emboldened him some to talk to me.

But it doesn’t change the intent. They needed to let me know that I was wrong. And when they discovered that I agreed with them, they didn’t know what to do. All the fuel of their fight evaporated. Sort of. One of the two kept trying to find something else to disagree on. It was amusing in some regards.

But I keep going back to 10 years later and still angry. Or at least, still with the bitter taste. Why is that so?

Let answer that question with another question.

When people meet you, once they have met you what do they believe you stand for?

These guys clearly thought they knew what I stood for. Until they actually met me. Then they found out I stand for something else entirely. They were happy with that turn of events, but it did confuse them.

Which caused me to ponder the question, what do they stand for? Well, based on the interaction I had with them, I started concluding that they basis in religion was about confrontational biblical knowledge. Maybe this isn’t true, but having met and spent time with them, this is the impression given. 10 years after being set free with the “truth”, they are still angry, and still arguing about this truth.

Which begs the question, what did they stand for before they learned the “truth”? Where they the same, just on the other side of the fight? Angryish then as they are now, but with a different purpose to their fight?

Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know. And It’s really not for me to judge. I don’t point this out to pass judgment. We all have our pet peeves and pet issues that get under our skin.

I use this as an example to as my question again.

Once people have met us, what do they believe we stand for?

I don’t ask that with any assumptions. I don’t know what any of you believe personally. At least, not all of you. I know some of you are Christian, some aren’t. But you are all my friends.

But what do people think you stand for? And I don’t necessarily mean specific point of belief.

Back in January I baptized a 17 year old boy. Ha. I called him a boy. Darn. I AM old.

I baptized this kid. Before he was baptized, he came to church on Sabbath and was talking to the head deacon. Now, this kid is a bit awkward. He’s a good kid, but he has problems with being accepted socially. But he gets excited about church and God. And he was looking forward to being an “official” part of the church family. So, he tells the head deacon he’s getting baptized the next Sabbath.

Well, I hadn’t told the deacon yet.

The deacon flipped out. Instead of showing excitement for the kid, he gets angry and starts ranting about how no one told him, and now he was going to have to fill the baptistery and he only had an entire week to do it (it takes a evening of an open faucet). He does this in the middle of the sanctuary. In front of everyone. And this kid felt like he had done something wrong. This guy was yelling at him. It was totally unacceptable behavior. And all the kid had done was tell the deacon how excited he was.

The kid almost didn’t go through with the baptism. He thought maybe the church didn’t want him.

When people meet that deacon, what do they believe he stands for?

What motivates us to act? How is it that some people share similar factual details but act upon them differently? How is it that some people confuse things and turn the detail into the believe, and make the belief insignificant like the detail?

I was sitting in a board meeting the next month. We were discussing the desire some people had to put on a musical program for church performed by our own people. It was a good idea. Immediately one gentleman piped up. He wanted to know what we were going to do to sensor the music.

Now, it doesn’t matter that this wouldn’t even be an issue. We only have 2 people in that church with any music talent at all, they are both pretty traditional/conservative.

Really, he wasn’t talking about that. He was talking about the baptism. That 17 year old kid asked for a specific song to be played. It was a contemporary Christian song by the group Casting Crowns. It was a very mellow, spiritual song. Beautiful song. Completely and utterly appropriate.

This gentlemen said that if we were going to be performing music like that we either needed censorship or he was voting against it. I asked him what was wrong with the song. He responded that it was “evil.”

I asked him what was evil about it.

He said, “I don’t know, it just is.”

It just is. This was his reasoning. “It just is.”

Brilliant.

Translation? The song wasn’t evil. He just didn’t like it. It turns out there is a huge difference there.

Instead of being happy about the baptism and encouraging our people to actively participate in worship, he wanted to complain about music that was never going to be a part of the service anyway.

When people meet this guy, what do they believe HE stands for?

It doesn’t matter what we believe in life. Ok, let me rephrase that. It does matter what we believe in life. What I mean to say is, whatever we believe in life, how does that belief manifest in our lives? What do we show people that we believe in? What we stand for?

The bible uses a phrase that is applicable to anyone regardless of their belief system.

You will know them by their fruit.

That which our life produces is a reflection of what we truly believe. Not what we say we believe, but what we truly believe.

A grape vine produces grapes. An orange tree produces orange. Always. Never do these things produce any other type of fruit.

Poison oak always produces poison oak and never anything else.

What do we produce?

Back in the early church people were arguing over disputable and irrelevant beliefs. These arguments became the larger focus of their lives. The apostle Paul kept trying to tell them to forget about these things and focus on stuff that actually matters.

One example of this is the example of circumcision. Jewish Christians were trying to get gentile Christians to circumcise themselves for the sake of salvation. The only problem was that circumcision had nothing to do with salvation. But they fought about it none the less.

Paul went into a long winded argument about how pointless and irrelevant either argument was. None of it mattered. In the end finished his argument like this.

“The only thing that matters is faith expressing itself in love.”

Please stop and read that sentence again. I don’t care what you think religion is about. I don’t care what side of religion you are on. If you have missed this point, you have missed God’s point. You have missed the point who we are suppose to be. Whether you believe in God or not, the point of that sentence is relevant. The only thing that matters is expressing ourselves through love. With love. In love.

Only love.

There is no other point.

As a Christian, I believe this is the reason Jesus came to die. He came to teach us this point. He hadn’t been dead 10 years before everyone forgot that the only thing that mattered was faith expressing itself through love.

But if we aren’t producing this around us, then what are we standing for?

Once a person has met you, what do they believe you stand for?

What kind of fruit does your life produce?