Have you ever asked a kid why they did something stupid and had them respond, “I don’t know.”?
I’m sure you’ve experienced that phenomena at some point. As young kids, there are lots of things we didn’t think through well. We had a plan and a reason for doing it, but the moment it went sideways on us and we were called out on it, we suddenly couldn’t remember what that good reason was. Or maybe we simply recognized it wasn’t a good reason in the first place and decided it was better to look ignorant than stupid.
That sounds like a lot more credit for quick thinking than most of us deserved as children.
I remember this one time as a kid when my friend from next door came over and decided he needed to learn how to become a ninja. I don’t remember exactly how old we were. I feel like 10 give or take is probably close.
Well, I remember thinking that this was a brilliant idea. We both needed to become ninjas. Ninjas are hard core. You don’t mess with ninjas. They are masters of various forms of martial arts, masters of stealth, masters of swords and throwing stars, and they can dodge bullets.
We new this was all true because the movies said so.
And one of the most important things we needed to be able to do in order to qualify as ninja was to do the one thing that every ninja could do.
Catch an arrow out of mid-air, mid-flight, aimed at your face.
It was a pivotal point of many of the 80’s ninja movies. The hero, or sometimes villain, steps up just as an arrow is shot at him (sometimes her) and catch the arrow a split second before it would have punctured his (or her) brain.
We knew this was true. It was ninja fact. So said the movies. Then, once you catch the arrow, you are suppose to break it with your bare hands in front of everyone so they could be shocked, gasp in your general direction, be impressed, then frightened at your mad ninja skills, then either run away in fear, or initiate mortal hand to hand combat that they would inevitably lose.
This too, was ninja fact.
It was decided that we should start there. Step one. Catch arrow out of the air. Not, “learn martial arts”. Not, “start exercising”. Not, “learn how to spell ‘ninja’ properly”. Nope. Step one was clearly “learn to catch arrow out of mid air.”
Now, we weren’t stupid. We didn’t start off by shooting arrows at each other. There were two reasons for that. One, we figured we should start with them coming at us a bit slower than warp speed (the official speed of ninja arrows). It would be safer this way. And two, neither of us were overly accurate with a bow and arrow.
Yes, I know there are all manner of logic problems there. Apparently 10 year old ninja don’t need no stinking “logic”.
So instead we practiced by throwing arrows at each other “javelin” style. It’s a lot like “football” style, but less stable and less accurate.
If you happened to live in our neighborhood on that particular day, and you happened to go for a walk or drive or magical broomstick ride (I don’t judge), and you happened to go past our houses, you would have seen two 10 year olds throwing arrows at each other. We would take turns throwing the quiver full of arrows so that the other could attempt catching them.
At the speed with which a 10 year old can hurl an arrow, we actually had a number of immediate success. Let me tell you, when you snag your first arrow out of the air you feel all kinds of ninja awesome. It’s as though the spirits of our ninja ancestors… blah blah etc. Mostly, we were just excited we hadn’t lost an eye.
Which reminds me, I should clarify. These were not high grade “hunting” arrows. These were more like your shoot-at-hay stack arrows. They were blunted but still pointy enough you didn’t want to get shot by one.
We learned this when the inevitable finally happened. I tossed a finely placed arrow toward my ninja friend and his superior ninja speed caused him to reach so fast for the arrow that his hand got there before the arrow arrived. Palm open, he achieved “blocking posture” with his hand. This allowed the arrow to do what arrows do, and stick into his hand. Not all the way through or anything horrible like that, but enough to draw blood as it punctured his skin and bounced away.
The first question that was asked was, “what were you guys doing?!?”
The answer of course was, “practicing to become ninjas!” As if this was a perfectly reasonable thing.
The follow up question was, “why would you do that?”
To which we responded, “uhhh, I don’t know!”
As was stated, we expect kids to do crazy stuff. It’s part of growing and making decisions with brains that aren’t done yet.
It starts to get less cute when we as adults start giving the same reasons for our bad behavior. Or beliefs. Or anything.
I have actually had full grown adults give me this as a reason when I asked them why the did thing “X” after they came to me wanting to talk about the difficulties they are having because they did thing “X”.
As one who’s job it is to listen, you don’t judge or criticize. But you do ask questions that you hope will cause them to consider more deeply what was happening in their heads.
Sometimes the answer is “not much.”
But the truth is more messy than that. The truth is usually something pretty selfish. Their motives were all askew.
But instead of admitting that up front, they come back with “I don’t know.”
Ignorance over stupidity.
If you keep talking, they will eventually confess to varying combinations of reactionary selfishness as the motive for thing “X”. And the truth is, all of us reflexively want to go down that road. Many times we stop ourselves in a brief moment of clarity once we see the consequences of our future decision looming before us. But only because. Otherwise, we’d go through with it.
But there is another path.
There is a path that takes reactionary thought out of the equation. A path that takes selfish desire out of the equation. A path that allows us to detach ourselves from the heat of the moment and make a good decision not out of fear of consequence, but out of desire for a better outcome for all involved.
Love gets a very bad rep. It’s seen either as flighty idealism or fluffy nothingism or that thing that will get you to the sex.
But love is actually none of those things. Not real love. That flighty, fluffy, sex driven love is the product of myth, movies, and teen/young adult novels. Real love is something more.
If you ask theologians, they will break love down into three Greek components. Eros, philadelphia, and agape. Eros, the word for sexual desire, Philadelphia, the word for “brotherly love”, and agape, the word for neighborly concern.
These are fine concepts and they have their place. They were categories that the ancients created to help explain an emotion that was bigger than words. I can’t claim to do better. But I do have an alternative that embodies these ideas into a simple sentence.
Love is the benevolent desire for someone else’s good. It’s not about sex or family or neighbors. It’s simply about desire and people.
Don’t misunderstand. I like my neighbors and family and the sex (not with the neighbors or the family. That’s just… eww). But ultimately they all fall under this banner of benevolent desire for someone else’s good. The minute we make this our motive and intention is the minute our perspective begins to change about everything.
The way we make decisions changes. The actions that come from them change. The purpose of our life changes. The meaning of our life changes.
For many, they may find meaning for the very first time.
Love is not some fluffy concept. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do. Anybody can follow rules and guidelines. With practice they can even do it well. And the whole time they can be emotionally devoid. Going through motions. Making habits. Habits without personal meaning.
Monkeys can be taught to do tasks. Sociopaths can do good things. But monkeys usually just want the reward at the end, and the sociopath typically has some sort of selfish motive for his/her good dead as well.
Love takes self out of the equation. It forces you to care for someone who hates you. It ends conflict by making it one-sided. It removes the fuel of the fire. But it’s hard. Going out of your way for people who drive you mad, is hard. Caring for someone who doesn’t appreciate you is hard.
Love is not fluffy or flighty. It requires ninja-like dedication.
Love requires purpose and gives purpose. It changes lives and the course they take. Love moves mountains and changes futures.
When love is not there, people will eventually give up. But when love is present, they never give up. They will do anything for that person or thing that they truly love.
If you want grow, to be changed and transformed, if you want to find fulfillment, then love is what you need.
Love is the beginning.
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