Serious. As opposed to all the other things I've ever written that were not serious.
Just so we are clear.
Ok, I am going to defend myself for a moment before I start in on what may turn out to be a rant. First off, I am not one who is given to ranting publicly about anything. It serves little purpose other than to convince people that one is crazy. No matter how important the message, people will tune out if for no other reason than the tone of the talk was all wrong.
And believe me, I know a little something about people tuning out when I talk. I'm a preacher. Nuff said.
Secondly, it is not my intention to be offensive to anyone. I don't like to offend people. It's not useful. So, again, please don't take offense if anything hits too close to home.
Unless you are directly guilty of being on the giving end of what I'm going to talk about. Then you better believe I'm hoping to offend you. In fact, everyone should be offended by what I'm going to talk about.
There you go. Apparently, I've just taken it all back. It is my intention to offend everyone. But in a kind way. Unless you are guilty. And round the circle we go...
Hmm.
I am actually not sure how to begin. I was trying to think of some clever illustration to lead into it. But it's not coming to me right now, so I will just jump in.
It is never, ever... ever ok to abuse someone.
I don't care how angry you got. I don't care how thoughtless someone was. If you are a parent or a spouse, it is never ok to abuse. Abuse of that type is evil on a whole level of it's own. It's not only physical, but it destroys trust and love and scars the heart and mind forever.
It doesn't matter how you justify it. It's never not evil. It doesn't matter how stoned you were. It's never not evil. It doesn't matter how you were raised. It's never not evil. It doesn't matter what era you grew up in. It's never not evil. It doesn't matter what country you are from. It's never not evil.
I'm not going to get into the corporal punishment debate over what is or is not appropriate. It's mostly irrelevant. I say that because abusers usually know they are doing it. Otherwise, they wouldn't try to hide it. They know they are crossing lines, or they wouldn't pretend they don't.
If you are a man and your wife makes you angry and you punch her or strike her in any way, you are guilty of abuse. No excuses. You don't do it. It's evil.
If you are a man and you have to force or coerce a woman to have sex with you when she doesn't want to, you are guilty of abuse. It's called rape, married or not. No excuses. Don't do it. It's evil.
If you are a man and when you argue with your spouse you devolve into screaming rants filled with name calling, you are guilty of abuse. Not physical, but still abuse. No excuses. It's never ok. Don't do it. It's evil.
Women, I realize that this rarely happens the other direction, but it does happen. If you are one of the rare ones, stop. It's evil.
If you are a parent, male or female, and you punch your child, that is abuse. Don't do it. It's evil.
If you are a parent, male or female, and hit your child with solid metal objects, that is abuse. Don't do it. It's evil.
Don't do it when they are teenagers. Don't do it when they new born infants. It. Is. Evil.
If you are a parent, male or female, and you call your child horrible names in a screaming rage, that is abuse. Don't do it. It's evil.
If you are a parent, and you make your child believe they are worthless and stupid, that's abuse. Don't do it. It's evil.
If you are a parent, male or female, and you convince your child to have sex with you, no matter how old or young, that is abuse, and rape, and you are a pedophile. Don't do it. It's evil.
If you are a parent and you starve your child willfully, that is abuse. You are guilty. Don't do it. That is evil.
If you as a person force anyone else to do any of these things to anyone else, that is abuse and you are guilty. Don't do it. It is evil.
It does not matter how you justify it. It does not matter if you think it's "ok" and other people just don't understand your love or your hard time you are in or that you are in a special love with that child, your's or someone else's. It is evil.
If you are doing any of these things to anyone else you need to stop. If some how, someway, you didn't realize these things were wrong...?... stop. If you knew and didn't care...?... stop. Because, either way, it will catch up with you. But more importantly, you are destroying lives. That makes you evil.
That's right. All of these things are evil. But some of them absolutely make you evil if you willfully participated. Yes, I'm judging. Deal with it.
There are no excuses. None. Not ever. Your heritage, upbringing, culture, age... are all irrelevant to this discussion.
Now, to you who are victims.
You, are not guilty. You did nothing that deserves anything I have described, and I know that I have only described the most basic descriptions of the evils that are abuse. If someone is hurting you in anyway, it's not because you are guilty. It's because they are sick, and it's evil.
You are not to blame. Do not blame yourself.
Just as importantly, you do NOT have to stay. If you are being abused in any way, you need to tell someone and you need to get away from it. I don't care what your religion is, or your culture, or your age, or your heritage. You need to leave. There is no good excuse.
You may think you are trapped, but unless you are literally locked in a room or tied to a bed or guarded 24/7, you are not trapped. You owe the abuser nothing. You stopped owing them anything the moment they started to abuse you. They crossed a line and you need to get away.
It will not stop on its own. It could very likely end in your death, or worse. Do not stay.
If you think that the family unit is more important than the safety of the people in that family, you are being controlled by that idea and through that idea by the one abusing you. If you allow yourself or your child to be abused for the sake of the greater family perception, all you are doing is allowing children to be raised who will likely abuse their family as well.
You are allowing a scenario where your children will be permanently harmed. Or yourself.
You need to tell someone and get out of that place.
You don't believe in divorce? Fine. I get it. I'm a pastor. I've heard every argument ever conceived and many that even you have never heard of. You are not obligated in this scenario to stay with that person. No spouse has the right to hurt you in these fashions.
There is even a strong bible argument for this. If you really think you need one, just ask.
If you are a child, you need to understand that it is not ok for your parents to hurt you in these ways. If they do, and then tell you not to tell anyone, you need to immediately tell someone. You do not owe them that level of obedience.
If you as a spouse or child are too afraid to go to the proper authorities themselves, go tell someone who is a mandated reporter. A nurse, doctor, firefighter, paramedic, pastor, teacher, or anyone of that type. They are required to make sure the right people know about it. No one has to know you reported it. It's not lying. It's strategic truth telling.
That's right, I just made up a term to help save your life and your conscience.
You don't think you can survive on your own? You don't think you can support yourself or your children without the abuser? Then you need to realize there are agencies dedicated to helping people just like you. They help proved shelter and food and help you find ways to exist without the abuser.
You think you still love the abuser? Well, maybe you do. Love is, well, love. That doesn't mean you should stay. You can love them from afar. If you love them, you will tell someone and force them to get help.
But no matter what, never believe it was your fault. You are not evil, or worthless, or stupid, or bad in any way. They are. Not you.
What they are doing is not out of love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
The abuser has failed the duties of love.
And just because you leave and get help and protection does not mean you failed love. It means you loved yourself enough to know you are better than the abuse and the abuser. And it means you loved them enough to do what was necessary to make sure they not only get help, but that they stop before they do something that can't be undone.
I suppose many of you are thinking that this is just common sense and everyone knows this and if you are reading my blog in particular that you probably are past this moral conversation.
You would, then, be surprised to know that you are likely incorrect in that assumption. Abuse happens every where. With people that you know, but you just don't realize it. It's that common. It is, unfortunately, likely that someone who reads my blog and this post in particular is either an abuser or a current victim of abuse.
I shouldn't tell you that I have no knowledge of who you are. I could lie and make you think I know who you are, but I don't. It would be a good strategic move on my part. But I also believe in the truth and honesty.
Or I could be saying that because I DO know who you are and I just want to divert attention. Wouldn't THAT be genius of me...
Probably not.
I'm tired of having to convince people that they don't have to stay in their abuse. I'm tired of having to look abusers in the eye and pretend to be friendly because they don't know I've had to turn them in because their spouse or child was too scared to tell the authorities, but they managed to tell me.
Although, I will gladly do it. If a victim can not speak for themselves, then someone needs to speak for them. It should be me.
It should be you.
If you are a victim of abuse, do not wait to do something about it.
If you are an abuser, your days of freedom are numbered. You will be found out. Be the good person you want everyone to think you are. Be better than your desires.
Get help and be better.
Night.
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