Lesson 4 - Everyone is a Green Lantern

            No, this title is not contradicting the last lesson.  Stick with me and you’ll understand.

Everyone who has ever picked up and read a comic book has formed some sort of opinion on who the most powerful superhero is.  Usually it comes up with friends in discussions like, “So, who would win in a fight, Wolverine?  Or Batman?”

Sure, those two are from two entirely different comic universes, but still the questions get asked.

But when it comes to “who’s the most powerful” I think many people would probably say Superman.  He’s one of the most well known and he is definitely one of the most straightforward in terms of powers and power levels.  Not many heroes can out punch Superman.

However, if I may offer my own opinion… without starting a war with comic book readers with differing opinions… I think the Green Lantern is the most powerful.  Or at the very least, has the potential to be the most powerful.

Hey hey, guys… simmer down.  I said it’s just my opinion.  You don’t have to agree.

Here is why I vote for him and a little Green Lantern back ground to boot.  The Green Lantern is part of a larger group of heroes known as the Green Lantern Corps.  They are basically a large group of space police that protect the entire universe.  It is broken into 3600 sectors (3599 actually, but that’s another story), with each sector protected by at least one (or more) Green Lanterns.  

The Green Lantern’s power comes from a ring he or she… or it… wears.  The ring channels energy though it, a green energy, and is controlled by the users will.  A Green Lantern is limited only by his or her will and imagination.

   Other than that, the ring user can literally do anything.

Anything.

If she can think of it, she can do it.  If he can imagine it, he can do it.  If they have the will, they can make it happen.

Fly.  Turn invisible.  Make objects out of energy.  Teleportation.  Phasing.  Simulate super strength.  Anything.

Manipulate matter.

Anything.

Manipulate reality.

Literally anything the user can both imagine and have the willpower to do.

Of course, there is the loophole.  It’s limited by the imagination and will.  And let’s face it.  Most of us are either pretty weak willed or completely lacking in imagination.

In reality, the Green Lantern is limited by how he or she sees or understands reality.  The Green Lantern is limited by his or her “world view.”

How does he see things?  Understand things?  What does that cause him to do?  How does it cause him to think?  What strategies will he devise because of that?  How will that guide his use of the power?

Let me give you some great Green Lantern examples.

Hal Jordan.  He’s the icon.  The Green Lantern by which all other Green Lanterns are measured.  He was an Air-force fighter pilot turned test pilot.  He has no fear.  He is focused.  He is efficient.  So when he uses his ring, this is how he uses it.  He keeps it simple.  He does what is needed to get the job done.  He likes to make boxes and spheres and hammers and such.  However, he also is the one Lantern that can do some of the more amazing things.  Turn invisible.  Phase through solid objects.  Create dimensional gateways.

He finds the most efficient way to do something, then does it.  No waste, no mess, no fuss. 

Kyle Rainer.  He was an artist.  Everything he makes is a work of art.  He makes comic book characters.  Anime robots.  Mecha.  Gun-toting bikini girls.  Ninjas.  And all of them are works of art and works in progress.  He never just does something and sticks with it.  Each construct is newer, better, more imaginative, constantly being made and remade.  He’s an artist, and he creates like an artist.  Never satisfied with what he’s done.

John Stewert.  The architect.  Everything he makes is precise.  And they have substance.  He makes something from the inside out.  It isn’t just a shell or an illusion of an object.  He makes it as though it has substance… as though it’s the real thing.  You could dissect it, and see the internal workings and constructs.  

Guy Gardner.  He’s the angry guy.  Raw.  When he uses the ring it doesn’t so much project energy as it leaks energy.  With him, the energy is like water in a dam waiting to burst through.  He doesn’t attack with creativity.  He attacks with power.  As much as he can, all the time.  No finesse.  No art.  Just raw power unleashed.

Kilawog.  He was an alien scientist.  He looks sort of like a humanoid hippo on steroids.  For some reason, his ring is the only ring that makes noise.  Of course, it’s not the ring, it’s him.  There is something about him, about the way he sees things and approaches things that causes that ring to make noise when no ones else does.  Everyone else goes silently about their business.  But not Kilawog.

There are many other Green Lanterns I could have talked about, but these are the main and most recognized Green Lantern characters.

It occurred to me that the significance of a Green Lantern wasn’t his or her ring and power, but his or her world view.

That is the one thing that’s different.  They wield an equal ring with the same power, same energy and same potential.  But each user is more or less successful or seemingly powerful or effective compared to each other.

All rings are created equal.

But not all users.

And as I was thinking about this, I realized that this is exactly how people are.  We are not limited by the possibilities around us.  Especially not in the modern age of globalization and global communication.  Instead, we are limited by ourselves.  By how we see the world.

We are limited only by our world view.

We are who we are in large part because of how we see the world.  Where were we raised?  Who raised us?  With what values were we raised with?  With what experiences were we shaped?

But more importantly, are we capable of seeing past any of that so that we can understand that all of our world views are limited and incomplete and therefore are limiting us?

That doesn’t make them bad or evil.  Just limited.  

Sometimes, we go a direction because someone told us we weren’t capable of going in another.  

It might not have been true.

My wife is a nurse.  When she was in nursing school there was an instructor who told her she would never make it as a nurse.  She wouldn’t be any good and she should just quit.

My wife could have listened to that.  Instead, she didn’t.  She graduated and has gone on to consistently be one of the most recognized and competent nurses in any department she has worked.  I say this not because she is my wife.  I say this because of the commendations she has received for nursing excellence as voted by both peers and patients.  The hospitals she has worked at have received numerous letters and messages from patients saying how much they loved her or how great she was with them and how much they appreciated her skill and attitude.

Of course, I think she’s great because she’s both kind and totally smokin’ hot.

But what do I know.

In the end, my wife could have experienced none of that success if she had listened to the person who was telling her what she couldn’t do, instead of believing in herself and what she could do.

She didn’t let that instructor shape her view of herself and therefore damage her world view.

Of course, my wife’s world view IS damaged.  But only in the same way all of our world views are damaged.

We only rise as far as we think we can.  If we didn’t know any different, we would go farther.  Be more.

You know why students in Korea and China and other Asian countries are often ahead of our students here in America?  Especially in areas of languages and math?  It’s because their school system pushes them harder sooner.

We see that and think, “oh, poor kids.”  Why?  Cause we all hated school.  

Do you think their kids see it that way?  Oh, they might hate school also.  But only for the same reasons we did.  They don’t realize they are being pushed harder.  They see it as normal.  

A person will go as far as they are expected to go.  We then draw a line at that expectation and try our darndest to not go past it. 

It’s a shame, really.  Because we are capable of so much more.  Of being, so much more.

All it would take is for us to realize that we are all like Green Lanterns and that the only limit is that which we place on ourselves.

Lesson 3 - Dio Was Not Ozzy

Well, well.  It seems I almost forgot to post today.  In fact, I think, technically, I did.  It is now tomorrow.  (i'll let you work out that math...)  But, as promised, even if late, here is my next post...

As the 1960’s became the 1970’s, the rock music scene was changing faster than supermodels at a fashion show.  The music was becoming harder and darker.  A number of bands were popping up all at the same time that were revolutionizing and impacting the direction that hard rock and heavy metal would take for decades to come.

One of the bands at the forefront of this was a young English band known as Black Sabbath.  Tony Iommi was changing the way metal was played on guitar with his single string guitar riffs, and Ozzy Osbourne was becoming a voice of metal so distinctive that it would be recognized with enthusiasm and awe by almost 40 years worth of heavy metal fans.

Of course, Ozzy’s onstage antics didn’t hurt his fame and infamy.  You try biting the head off of a bat on stage in front of thousands of people and see if you get remembered.

I bet you will.

Throughout the 70’s, Ozzy and Black Sabbath were one of the standards by which all metal was judged.

Then, as the 70’s were coming to a close, Ozzy decided it was time to go out on his own and make a name for himself.  This left a void in Black Sabbath that needed to be filled if they wanted to continue being a force in the world of heavy metal.

In came a man by the name of Ronald Padavona.  Or as the world knew him, Ronnie James Dio.  It is said he changed his stage name to “Dio” after mafia member Johnny Dio.  Prior to his stint with Black Sabbath, Dio was modestly to little known.  Most people do not know that Dio had been a force in rock-n-roll since the late 50’s.  

I for one had been oblivious to that fact.

But once he became the front man for Black Sabbath, he was immediately shoved to the front of the line.  Fronting for Sabbath was possibility one of the greatest honors in the metal world at the time.

And he did a great job.  His first album was a huge success.  The second album was also well received, even if not quite as successful.

Now, let me ask you.

How many of you can tell me off the top of your heads a single song Dio did with Black Sabbath?

Probably some of you can.  They were good.  But most people can’t.  When people think of Black Sabbath, they always think of Ozzy Osbourne.  They think of Iron man.  War Pigs.  Sabbath Bloody Sabbath.  And half a dozen other hugely successful Ozzy-era Black Sabbath songs.

In the end, it didn’t matter how good Dio was, he wasn’t Ozzy.

And as long as he tried to fill the shoes of Ozzy, it was always going to be that way.

I won’t say this is why Dio left Black Sabbath in 1982.  I have no idea why he did.  But I will say this.  The moment he stopped trying to fill Ozzy’s shoes and Ronnie James Dio decided to be Ronnie James Dio, he became one of the biggest legends in heavy metal history.

When a person thinks of Ronnie James Dio, they think of songs like Holy Diver, and Rainbow in the Dark.  Songs done by Dio when he left Sabbath and ventured out with his own band known simply as “Dio.”  

What people don’t think of are songs like Heaven and Hell, which was the title track from his first album as front man for Black Sabbath.  Even though that album was one of the best selling albums Black Sabbath had ever released until that time.

It was a success, but it’s not where his fame lies.

Dio became a success and an icon when he stopped being Ozzy, and started being Dio.

Of course, in his case, it was simply a career and business move, and the opportunity of a life time to take over for Ozzy.  To turn that down would have been insanity for someone in his position.

But as a metaphor, it’s an interesting thing.

The harder we strive to be someone else, the farther away we go from who we need to be.

And that can be dangerous.

Do you know what Super-oos are?  If you don’t, let me tell you what you missed.

Super-oos were Under-oos, except they were super-hero themed.

Wait, you don’t know what Under-oos are either?

*sigh*

Ok, they were a brand/type of under-wear.  Super-oos came with a pair of under-wear, thermal pants and long sleeve thermal shirt that were all super-hero themed.

I had a pair of Superman ones.  The pants were blue, the shirt was blue with the red and yellow “S” on the front, and the underwear were red with the yellow waist band.  However, instead of wearing the underwear like underwear, I’d put them on the OUTSIDE of the pants, just like Superman.  Then I’d tie a red blanket around my neck and run around that way.

Hmm.  I didn’t clarify.  This was when I was a little kid.  This was not last week.

You can’t prove otherwise.

…

So, I would run around with my Super-oos and my red blanket cape because I wanted to be Superman.  I would then proceed to jump off the stairs at our house in an attempt to fly.  Because, hey, I had a cool red cape and Super-oos, I should be able to fly.

It seems our carpet was apparently made of Kryptonite.  My parents said it was green shag carpet.  But I knew different.  I knew it was the reason why every time I would jump off the stairs I’d come down crashing at the bottom.  And I knew that our Kryptonite shag carpet was the reason why it hurt every time.

Actually, I knew that the reason I couldn’t fly was because I wasn’t actually Superman.  Not that I thought he was real.  But you know… kids…

The problem was that I wasn’t Superman.  And pretending to be Superman wasn’t going to make me fly any better or crash any softer.  Eventually, trying to be Superman was going to end in disaster.  To avoid that, it became apparent that I needed to stop trying to be Superman and start trying to be me.

Well, that’s not true.  I think there was a Spiderman phase immediately there after…

As long as I try to be like someone else, I will never reach the potential of who I can be or who I am suppose to be.  I will forever stunt my growth by exploiting the weaknesses in who I am and ignoring the strengths of who I am.  I will never explore my talents, my own joys, the things that bring me fulfillment because I will be too busy trying to be Superman, or Spiderman, or Ozzy.

I will never discover who I am.  Mostly, because I won’t be looking.  I will run around in my life with a giant hole where my identity should be and never be the true triumph of a person that I could be.  I will never develop as a person.  I will never be comfortable as a person.  I will always be looking outside for fulfillment.  And as we have already discussed, that’s a pretty dangerous endeavor.

Ultimately, I will never be whole.  I can’t try to be Superman because I am not Superman.

And neither are you. 

Lesson 2 - Things I Learned From Porn

Hello everyone.

Welcome to this evenings post.  I'm glad you checked in.  However, before you proceed, this post comes with a warning.  (this is a serious warning, not my usual idiotic sarcasm)

I'm actually pretty nervous about tonights post.  I believe I once promised complete honesty, so I can't back out now.  This post contains themes and details that most people will, and should, consider offensive.  It is not done for the sake of shock value, but in order to convey and demonstrate an number of ideas and points all at once.  As the title of this blog suggests, I do use some graphic imagery from pornography as an illustration for furthering the thought.  If this offends you, I truly apologize.  It is not my intention.  However, I hope you will see past anything in here that you think is "unnecessary" and recognize the greater point and principle.  Because, while it may not be necessary for you, I assure you, it will be necessary for others.

You have been warned.  Now, feel free to continue on to the post.

       Perhaps I should qualify a couple things first and answer any questions I suspect might be bouncing around your perceptive brains.

Yes, I’ve seen porn.  No, I don’t watch porn anymore.  Yes, my wife knows.  Yes, it’s been a long time.  No, it hasn’t been long enough.  Yes, I think porn is a very bad idea on almost every level I can think of off the top of my head.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I still don’t want to look.  There are a couple things all you ladies out there need to understand if you don’t already.

Men want to have sex with everything all the time.

We aren’t nearly as discriminating as we would like people to believe.  The criteria are basically this.  Is the lady willing and is she able?  Beyond that it’s just subjective details that largely don’t matter.

Sure, we men want you to think that we have standards and tastes.  And that’s because we do know better and want to make good decisions.  We aren’t all evil jerks.  However, that doesn’t mean the desire to mate with anything and anyone isn’t there in some way.

Is she awake?

Check.

Is she still alive?

Check.

Are either of those optional?

…

Perhaps that’s an exaggeration.  My point is that men are biologically driven to crave sex endlessly.  Fortunately, most of us do our best to use our better judgment and understanding of appropriate behavior and so forth and etc.

Unfortunately, what we know about any of that is driven by culture.

For example.  Let’s take the porn culture.  Porn would have all men believe that every woman is just dying to have you mate with them.  Porn wants you to believe that every woman has no greater desire than perform oral sex on you, and even more, that doing so gives her some sort of fantastic pleasure.  Porn wants you to believe that women crave to have your 12 inch man part (let’s not kid ourselves.  That’s not me OR you) crammed hard and fast into their happy place with the enthusiasm and force of a jackhammer.  Porn would have you believe that every woman is drooling with desire for you to enter in through the out door.  After which, porn would like you to think that after your penis has been in their anus, they want to resume oral sex and are really looking forward to having you ejaculate all over their face or breasts or buttocks.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about and think I’m being disgusting or am insane, this is the regular formula of a standard issue porn scene.  I haven’t just made it up.  For those of you who do know what I’m talking about, please inform those who don’t that I didn’t just make that all up.

I’m pretty sure all you women who read this and didn’t throw the book away, are all thinking, “that’s awful and, well, awful.”

I’m pretty sure all you guys who read that are thinking, “Ya, no female who isn’t getting paid large sums of money is ever going to want to be a part of that.”  At which point you sighed inside your mind with a twinge of disappointment.

Let’s be honest here.  I went to college.  So did you most of you men.  You hung with other guys and talked about women and porn and how women relate to porn.

Of course, most of us realized this wasn’t reality.  I don’t know a single guy who has ever had a proctologic exam and walked out of the office going “Wow, I can’t wait to do that again.  Maybe next time he’ll make it last for 20 minutes or so.” 

That’s because it’s unpleasant in every way.

Now, guys, how many of you have thought or fantasized about what it would be like to have porn style anal sex with your wife?  How many of you have actually asked?

Of course you didn’t.  We know it’s ridiculous.  And yet… porn style sex appeals to every part of the biological need to have sex till you pop.  Because none of that is uncomfortable for you as a man.  It’s the woman who’s taking all the abuse.  And in the movies she seems to like it just fine.

And people think porn starlet’s can’t act.

See, even though we know better, there is a part of us that wants it to be true.  Yes, most of us guys would never, EVER, even harbor the idea of asking your wife or significant other to actually go through that.  We know it would be relational suicide AND we know that’s its not really loving sex.  

There is no love there.

Just sex.  And not even kind sex.

Do I think the porn industry is trying to make people think this stuff normal?

No.  At least not all of them.  The reason they make the movie is because it isn’t normal.

But we buy into it anyway.

Let’s be clear, though.  This isn’t about porn.  Or sex.  There are many non-pornographic movies that promote the exact same idea that women are ravenous sex machines who want nothing more than for you to fulfill that need for them.

It’s not true.

What this is about is what forms the ideas of “need” and “desire” in us.

You ever heard college guys tell you “party stories?”  There are tons of variations, but they largely go like this.

“Dude, I couldn’t remember a f___ing thing!  I was sooo wasted!  I woke up in puddle of piss, I was elbow-deep in a squirrel, and I had no pants on.  It was f___ing AWESOME!!!”  (he said in a big frat-boy commando voice.)

Really?  It was awesome?  By what definition?  Because it’s a funny story?  Because your head pounded for two days afterward?  Because, you know, you can’t even remember how it all happened?

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call “fun.”

You see, we define happiness and fun and joy and fulfillment by the definitions proposed to us.  We do it, not because they are necessarily accurate, but because we don’t know ourselves and hey, they wouldn’t lie to us, right?

Because TV never lies.

Or books.  Or movies.  Or church.  Or school.  Or anyone.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like movies.  I love action sci-fi and comic books and all that.  But that doesn’t mean I have any illusion that I’m going to go out and punch my fist through a brick wall just because I saw the alien cyborg ninja mutant do it.

At this point I can feel you all going, “Yes, we know.  We aren’t morons, you know.”

Fair enough.  These are exaggerated examples that only apply to the more… “exceptional” among us.

But we all do this in smaller ways.  We see a shirt on a movie star and think this is what I need to look good.  Or maybe it’s a hair cut.

Marketing agencies make their living on the idea that this is true.  We internalize what we see and hear, whether we realize it or not, and incorporate it into thought and action.  They call it “advertising.”

You see a movie with a cool car in it… guys… and you are like, “Man… I’d drive that.”  And there is nothing wrong with that.  I’m a gear head myself.

Tell me, do you think there is a reason why car commercials and magazine ads for cars often have females either selling, driving, or standing next to the car?

I mean, what more could a guy want?  A fast car and sex.  Give him some good food and you have the trifecta of male desire.

Of course, it’s not just movies and TV and magazines.  It’s everywhere.  People we meet.  They have that certain something.  That quality that makes them seem smart or sophisticated.  And you hang on every word.  You spend your time with them making them your friend.  Eventually you start to act like them.  Become more like them.  You enjoy being with them.

It’s because we see something in them that we wish we saw in ourselves.  Maybe it’s smarts.  Maybe it’s likability.  Maybe it’s joy.  But we think that if we can be like this person who I like, others will in turn like me.  Then I’ll be happy.

It is us defining happiness by external criteria.

Unfortunately the external criteria are nothing but superficial stimuli.  It doesn’t make us happy.  It’s not true happiness.  It’s not realistic or even real at all.  It’s an illusion of reality.

It’s nothing but porn.

Lesson 1 - Did I Mention That I'm an Idiot?

         I know, I know.  I shouldn’t say that about myself (he said, referring to the title of this chapter).

Unless you think it’s true, then I suppose you are ok with me saying it.  Shame on you.

=)

Isn’t it a crazy world where I can type an emoticon into a book and everyone understands and doesn’t find it weird?

Anyway.

I’m an idiot.  But in the same way that most people are idiots.

Hold on.  Please step away from the instruments of ritual stoning.

Let me tell you what I mean before you all decide to harm me.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Remember when we were kids?  Well, not you and me specifically.  I’m pretty sure I’ve never met you.  At least, not all of you.  But when we were kids, it was easy to go out and have fun.  We would play games and wrestle and race each other around, jump our bicycles (yes, I’m listing male biased things.  I’m an idiot, remember?).  And it was all fun.  But you know what was even more fun?  Remember what made it even better?

When we won.

When I ran faster, biked faster, jumped farther and saved Princess Lea first.

Don’t ask about that last one.

It wasn’t just about having fun, it was knowing that I had fun better than everyone else.  That I was better.

Or smarter.

Yes, it’s childish.  Yes, it’s pointless.  Yes, we still felt really good about it.  Fortunately, we all grew up.  We learned this isn’t the way of things.  The way of the force.  That life is about something more.

And do you know what changed?

Absolutely nothing.

We still feel better when we win.  When we are proved smarter.  When we are correct.  When the other person was wrong.  We relish when the other guy is wrong.

In the end, even though we now know better, we still find our best joy in knowing we are better than everyone else around us.

It’s a bit pathetic, yes?

And THIS… is why most people, including me, are idiots.  Because we know better and still use this mindset to feel better about ourselves.  

How dumb is that?

It’s like having your car not start, getting out, and kicking the right rear tire.  Then getting back in and finding the car still doesn’t start, at which point you get out and kick the tire again.  At which point you find out the car still won’t start.

Ok, I know.  No one would ever do that.  That’s just stupid.  Unless you have, and then, um, I’m sure it was useful… somehow…

But my point is, it’s a useless and pointless way of fixing things.  What was it that someone said was the definition of insanity?  Something about doing the same thing over and over and yet expecting different results?

If being seen as better and smarter makes us feel better, if making others look less than us brings us joy, if it fixes us, then why do we keep having to do it again and again?  Why do we still feel broken later?

Why do we still feel like we have yet to achieve?  If that method was working, we would already HAVE achieved.

All we are doing is kicking the tire.

And kicking the tire hurts.  Have you ever actually done that?  Kick a car tire?  I have, when I was younger, and theoretically more stupid.  I was curious.  I’d seen people do it on TV all the time.  Which, as we know, is the most brilliant reason to do anything.  But I kicked the tire anyway only to discover it was much more solid that I had anticipated.  You know, it’s rubber and filled with air, how solid could it be?

Very, as it turns out.  My toe was sore for days.  There was zero satisfaction from that.  I decided after that, that kicking tires was a pointless act.  It didn’t actually accomplish anything.  It definitely didn’t give me any long term joy.  Or short term for that matter.  As it turned out, there was no point.

It’s funny how we as people seem to be attracted to pointless behavior.

I was watching a video the other day on this website that amuses me.  This guy let his friends shoot him in the junk with a potato gun.

Twice.

And my first thought was, “Why would you do that?!?”, closely followed by, “This guy is an idiot.”  Of course, there are tons of those videos around, right?  Guys hitting each other over the heads with planks of wood just to do it.  Hitting each other in the bean bag with bats just to see who will become sterile first.  Just to see how tough they are.

Why do we care how tough we are as men?  Do we think anyone else cares how tough we are?  Do we think they will be impressed?  Maybe we think it will impress the ladies.  But the truth is, it almost never does.  The only person it impresses is us.  

I’m not sure women care how tough they are.  However, they do compete in different ways.  Is she thinner than me?  Does my bum look fatter than hers?  It’s still a competition.  It’s just a different competition.

For some reason, we humans seem to think life is a competition.  Oddly, we have no idea what we are competing for or against.

We are living our lives, going through our days, and most of the time, we don’t even know why.  Yes yes, I know.  We are getting our paycheck so we can put food on the table and diapers on our kids.  But that is always going to be true.  That doesn’t bring us fulfillment.

Again, hold off on the angry responses for just a moment.  I completely believe that being a good parent or spouse or whatever can bring a great sense of meaning and purpose and even some fulfillment. 

What I am talking about is complete fulfillment.  At some point, even the wonders of mommy and daddyhood aren’t enough.  As any mommy and daddy will tell you, they love being parents and they love their kids and they would never give it up.  But at some point in their parenting career they realized there was still a desire for something else.  They realized that there was something still missing.

Some of these people have affairs.  Others go through some version of a midlife crisis.  Some of them change their career.  Some of them just walk away from it all.

Others simply end their life.

And it all happens because they don’t really know what it is that’s missing and they don’t know how to find it.  This is also how self destructive behavior sometimes starts.  We start looking for that one thing that makes it all better, and we are willing to try anything.

Literally, anything.

Of course, if we are smart enough, we learn quickly that “anything” is often a bad idea.  Unfortunately we are rarely smart enough.  

That’s because most of us are idiots.

Life Lessons: Introduction

I have no idea what I’m doing.  Just thought I’d warn you.

I’m not even sure why I’m doing it.  But for whatever reason, I really want to write a book.  I don’t know if I think it will make me rich, or if it will be fun, or both, or neither.

Maybe I just like hearing the sound of my own voice.  Except, you know, I can’t hear the written word.  So, I guess it’s more like reading the sound of my own voice.  But with out the voice.

Or actual sound.

Right.

Did I mention that I have no idea what I’m doing?

I do feel that writing can be cathartic, even if it is just a random spewing of thoughts.  Sometimes, that which makes us feel better is the illusion in our head.  The illusion that I did a good job, or that my words actually matter in some way.

The illusion that I matter.

It sounds bad when I say it that way, doesn’t it?  Of course people matter.  We just don’t always believe that WE matter.  That I matter.  

But we want to.

We want to know that our lives have purpose and impact and are more than just a series of pointless events strung across time.  So, even when we aren’t sure… or perhaps, especially when we aren’t sure… we will create the illusion in our own heads that what we do, who we are, what we say, matters.  We want to feel better about ourselves.

Huh.  That sounds depressingly pathetic.

That is not actually my intention.  And really, what do I know?  I’m no psychologist.  I don’t know what you are thinking.  I don’t know why you think it, even if I say I do.  Which, I will probably do.

But everyone wants to feel better.  Even if they already feel good.  We want to laugh.  We want to improve.  Progress.  Run faster, farther.  Be skinnier and more muscular.  Have more hair in the right places and less in the wrong places.

That’s a weird one, right?  It’s amazing how much power ones hair has.  Nothing makes you feel older or look older than losing your hair.  

Trust me, I know all about this.  Mine has not so much disappeared as it has migrated.  It’s pretty patchy up top, but fortunately my body compensated by giving me extra all over and inside my nose.

Then there is my little patch of lower back goodness.  Or the random patches on my chest, belly and nipples.

That’s right, all you young attractive and body-hair free guys.  Just wait… your time is coming.  Once, not long ago, I was like you.  Full head of awesome.  Hairless pecks of glory.  Six-pack abs of sexy.

Now, I’m mostly sweaty and smell bad.  

I still sometimes try to act suave and sexy for my wife.  Which really makes her giggle.  But not in that turned on sort of way.  More in that awkward embarrassed sort of way.  In that, “Oh honey, you’re so silly.  You keep trying, and that’s… sweet…”

This works wonders for my ego.  It keeps reality in check.  Or perhaps, it keeps me in check, and snuggly tethered to reality.

It also keeps me jogging.  I can’t begin to describe all the ways THAT sucks.  They tell you that you get some sort of high or rush from jogging.

Lies.

All lies.

You know what I get from jogging?  

Tired.  Sore.  Out of breath.  Sweaty.  That feeling of such utter exhaustion and fatigue and inability to, you know, breath… that I beg God to strike me dead where I stand.

That’s my jogging experience.

However, to be fair, since I started jogging again, I’ve lost 20 pounds as of this sentence.  I can actually see my abs again.  I’d forgotten that I had more than one.  I can see four real clear, and two more are beginning to come out of hiding.  I’m buying shirts a size smaller now.  I no longer get out of breath when starting the car.  And you know what?

I feel pretty good about that.  I look better.  I feel better.  It turns out, all that work is worth it.  The pain and exhaustion.  

The other day my wife noticed that my arms had muscles.  At first I was thinking, “You mean they didn’t before?”  But then I realized she was noticing a difference in me.  A difference she liked.

And that made me feel good about me.

Which made me go out and by a nice, new, tailored suit.  And by “nice”, I mean “cheap”.  Let’s face it, I can’t afford nice.  I mean, it’s not high society.  But it does look the business.  I put on that suit, and I think, “if you weren’t so bald, you’d look totally sweet.”

So, I wear a fedora with it instead.  I like my fedora.  It looks good.  And oddly, it looks good when I wear my Green Lantern t-shirt, jeans, and Converse All-stars.

Although, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who thinks so.

But does that matter?  

Well, probably yes.  But not as much as it used to.  And maybe that’s the real improvement.  It’s not the hat or the suit or shirt or the new-found abs.  Maybe it’s just knowing I can be a better me, an improved me, or that I can be happy with me.  

Because, all that superficial crap is meaningless.  My wife loved me when I was just sweaty and hairy and bald.  Does she love me more now that I have a nice suit and a trimmer figure?

No.  Sure, she is now ok being seen with me in public, and no longer hides behind the closest tree when some body walks by.

But she cared more about who I was inside, than what I was outside.

Why didn’t I?

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this book.  

I'm Back, I'm Sorry, I'm a Bad Person, and Other Things So Please Read Thank You.

Sooo... how do I explain myself?

That is going to be tough since I'm not sure I actually have a good excuse.  My last post told you about a project I was working on.  Since then I've changed jobs (no, I wasn't fired... might have even been promoted-ish), moved (no, I wasn't evicted), significantly improved my health (no, I... actually, ya, I am kind of healthier now), and have been trying to deal with life.

Let's focus on that last one.

I would like to preface this and say, any personal issues I may or may not hint at are pretty minor in the grand scheme of things and really don't stack up well against people who have actual problems.  

Let's pause there for a second.  If you are new to this blog and have never ready any thing here and might not know who I am or what this whole thing is about, I encourage you to go back and read my old posts.  Emphasis on old.  I couldn't believe how long it had been since my last post till recently when I checked out the page.  I was shocked and embarrassed.

In a nutshell, I talk about life and stuff about life and lessons learned there-in, usually in embarrassing ways that have to do with me being an idiot, hence the title of my blog.

Back to my poor excuse for excuses.

Life got "hard".  While, it could be argued that my life was being "successful", it was by no means "easy."  I'm using quotes to let you know the relative quality of those words.  One man's torture is another man's vacation.  Or so I'm told.  I don't look at those websites and you can't prove otherwise.

When things get difficult there are lots of ways people can react.  In my case I started withdrawing from stuff just to avoid extra work and other things, like, you know, thinking.  No, it wasn't actually that bad.  But I was getting distracted by life more and more and it got harder and harder to focus on and remember to do the things I actually enjoy.

Like this blog, for example.

But you know what is funny?  All that time I wasn't writing and posting to this blog, I was actually writing.  At some point, I don't remember when, I decided to try writing a bit more organized form of the blog and see if I could make it a "book".  I even managed to hack out 10 chapters plus an Introduction.

I never moved passed that stage.  I finished chapter 10 over a year ago or more.

One thing that is strange about me is that, as a leader type person, I am required to make regular decisions about stuff and things.  And I do just fine in that regard.  But in my personal life, sometimes when I'm not sure how to move forward with something, my decision making abilities sort of shut down.

As dumb as that makes me sound, I still like that better than just saying "I got lazy."  You pick the one that makes you all happy and glowy inside.

It turns out I've been in a really good place career wise for a while now and I've had the time to do this regularly, and I have continued to put it off.  I honestly do not know why.

Even as I sat down to finally suck it up and do this, I hesitated.  I realized the emotion was "fear."

Seriously.

Fear.

I was literally afraid to write this post and continue forward and pick up where I left of and keep trying.

"Why?" I hear you ask?  "What's wrong with you?" you maybe thinking, and, "Are you stupid or something?" you could rightly ask.

I truly am not certain.  I think partially because it had been so long, I was afraid no one would read.  I have let down a few faithful readers and people who looked forward to my posts, however idiotic they may be.  And that's a big deal, because I'm not sure there were that many people reading in the first place.

At least, that's what I thought.  As it turns out, I'm a moron.

This will make me sound dumb, but I hadn't considered actually checking the traffic checker for this page.  It seems there have been many thousands of people checking this page, even during this long dry period.

I'm sure many of them found this page looking for something else.  I'm not so arrogant as to think this thing was what people were looking for.  But man... people have been looking, and checking, and waiting, and I'd been letting them down.

I feel like a bad person.  (have I garnered enough sympathy yet to move forward?  Let's find out...)

So, here is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to post those fledgling book chapters.  And then I will keep posting new stuff.  And, I may even throw in some extra "fun" stuff as well.  Some of you know I was an artist/designer by trade in my first post college career.  Not an amazing one, but, good enough.  Well, I've been working on a web cartoon/comic/thingy.  It's not ready yet.  I have a couple completed strips, but not enough to be ready to start posting them, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how often I want to, or even can, post them.

But I want to... I need to... make this blog into something more.  I need to have this thing in my life that is simple and honest.  The rest of my life is also honest, but it's usually far from simple.

However, for tonight, I will post this, um, post, and then I will immediately post the introduction to the "book" I was writing.  Maybe one day I will decide it's done and maybe even publish it.  I could certainly use the money.  But I realized that, those words shouldn't be about the money, and that they should be free for those who can find them, and if I publish later, then yay and whatever.  But if I can say anything that helps someone, or causes someone to consider life differently in some way, then I should do that.  That is the true purpose.  It's the thing that matters.  Doing something that improves the life of someone else.

I think I lost sight of that before.  I got caught up in my own life, and forgot about everyone else.  Which, for those who don't know me and you do go back and ready my old posts, you will understand the irony in that failure.

I hope you, my former faithful readers, will forgive me for the last few years of blogging silence.  It was not super cool.

Alright, all my groveling and excuse making, done, let me tell you about what I will be posting.  (yes, I know this is getting long.)

The book was to be titled the same as the blog.  Each chapter was titled as a "Lesson".  They are better structured and thought through, as my old ones are bit more haphazard and slapdash.  They probably have typo's in them.  I proof read really well as long as someone else wrote it.  But when I proof read my own work, I'm pretty awful at catching mistakes.  I'm not going to edit them, or change them.  This means you will read some stuff which may be dated.  In those cases, I have, when I've caught it, added one of these (words and stuff) with the updated info or time frame.

Also, the posts will refer to themselves as a "book" sometimes.  I know about it, I'm not going to change it.  My reasons are excuses, excuses, more excuses, lazy, excuse, and excuses.

One of those reasons is correct.

Ok, enough putting it off.  Here we go.  Tonight, I give you "Life Lessons:  The Further Adventures of a Perpetual Idiot - Introduction".

Interlude: Thanksgiving Goodness and my Pet Project.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Except you in the corner. You know who you are…

I don’t know about you, but I had a great Thanksgiving. Good food, good people… good food… all in all, a day well had. And, I got to spend lots of quality time with both of my nieces. The new one and the less new one. They are great. Unclehood is a wonderful thing.

I was trying to decide what I am most thankful for. And really, I’m not sure I can narrow it down to one thing I’m more thankful for than anything else. Some of the top contenders are… (in no particular order)

I’m not dead. (always a classic)
I’m not homeless.
My wife is awesome and also isn’t dead.
I’m not being hunted by ninja assassins. (that I know of…)
I finally finished a long running project. (more on that later.)

There are many others. Some probably more important than the ones I’ve listed. I could go on about the rest of my family, my friends… both real and imaginary… and my churches. But I won’t bore you with the details. In the end, I have to conclude that my life is very good. Better than it has any right to be.

I mentioned my new niece, right? She’s about a month old. She is just this little peanut. I can’t get enough. And her older sister is just growing so fast. She’s 3.5 years old. I gave her pony rides. She likes to sit on my back while I scramble about on my hands and knees, and then buck her off onto the couch.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Good times.

Now, about that long running project. Some of you are aware of it, some of you are not. What we’ve been doing is trying to get one of my churches set up to record video and stream it live whenever I preach there. And finally, after many setbacks, it is done and ready. We are now set up to both stream live, and keep previously recorded sermons available for on-demand viewing. All one needs is a computer and a decent internet connection.

And a desire to listen to me preach badly.

I mean, really, does everyone think the sound of their own voice sounds stupid once it’s recorded, or is it just me?

Maybe, you should answer that.

Anyway, the website is http://www.rockfallssdachurch.org/. If one decides to go there, at the top of the page is a link called “Live and On-Demand Sermons.”

Or you can click here. http://www.rockfallssdachurch.org/article.php?id=7

On that page are a number of links. One is a schedule of dates that will be streamed live. It’s not every week because I have three churches I have to rotate through. So, the dates are listed there.

Just below that is a link titled “Watch Live Now.” I believe it’s purpose is pretty self explanatory.

Below THAT, is a section with links to previously recorded sermons. On-demand sermons, if you will. Should you go there, you will notice they have been broken into parts. This is because we are poor. Hosting is expensive, so we are using a free service that requires file sizes be small. This means we have to break large files into smaller pieces. Fortunately, most sermons only need two pieces.

Also, because it’s a free service, sometimes there are advertisements before the sermon starts. If that bothers any of you, I’m sorry. I do have a solution, though. Put a finger in each ear, close your eyes, then shout really loud till the commercial ends. It should help you avoid the grotesque evil that is a cotton towel commercial. (he said with sarcasm…)

Now, I realize that perhaps not all of your, or even any of you, are interested in this. But for those who might be, there it is.

I encourage you to share the links with anyone and everyone, should you feel it is appropriate to do so. It’s easy to use, and handy if someone wants to be at church, but can’t, or doesn’t go to church, but is interested in hearing a sermon, or just wants to do something different.

It is my hope that one day it can help create a safe, enjoyable and active internet fellowship community. Call it church if you wish. Worshipping and learning about God is more than just sitting in church. I would go so far as to say just sitting in church is the farthest thing from it.

I want there to be a place for someone who is interested in God, but doesn’t feel comfortable in church. It’s my hope that this will help there.

So, please, try it out if you wish, let me know if you run into problems, and I hope you all have a great weekend.

Till next time.